Blogging has become foreign to me.
I blame work.
I want to break free!!! I want to breathe.... LOL.
Working here has been reminding me of my business mind. And business, I'm learning more and more, is very much connected to my faith. I receive revelations and epiphanies through the problems I encounter at work. So I believe more and more that I am here, in the mess that is called "hakwon", for a reason.
I'm just gonna take it day by day, and open up the day for Him to take control.
P.S. I encountered my first dark circles EVER last week. That is NOT GOOD.
{eSeul}
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I have a dilemma...
I'm currently in the works of planning a day out and a possible "pajama party" (what Koreans refer to as a sleepover) outside of the hakwon with some of my students.
From my experience at the hakwon, I realized that I don't really have the chance to get to know my students at a deeper level. Granted, teachers don't have the responsibility to transform a student's life and it's definitely not realistic to do that for all of their students.
I have 76.
Well now 74, and slowly but surely decreasing as we speak...since Korean moms love to "taste-test" hakwons....
Anyway, my dilemma is....is it okay for me to do this??
The idea just came about very naturally. Some of my students, especially the girls, love to chit-chat and tell me stories, but frankly, we don't have time to do that. Class time isn't even enough for the work we need to cover and if we do have time left, we can't just sit there and talk. The mom's will go crazy if they see the students (through the video recordings...our classes are recorded) with their books unopened, they'll complain f'sho.
And more importantly, I really want to make myself available to these kids, especially the 6th graders. They're at a crossroads where they're entering a rough six years of intense studying and yet they're not preparing themselves at all. It very much resembles senioritis.......
Plus, one of the mother's had suggested to me that she'd love to see some kind of mentor ship for her daughter, which I expressed that I would love that for myself as well.
So really, this could go both ways: either become an opportunity that opens doors for many more teacher-student relationships or...drama. Drama among the teachers, from the possible misunderstanding that I'm setting a level that they might feel forced to meet and that I'm trying to win the students' hearts, and even drama among the students that I'm being exclusive/partial.
I definitely can't do this with all of my students...there's just some that I'd love to invest in and can see us getting along very well.
Well, we'll see how it goes. The water's already been spilled. I told the five students to ask their parents about how they feel about this proposal. :)
I'm just gonna be optimistic, and believe that this is the beginning of something good.
{eSeul}
From my experience at the hakwon, I realized that I don't really have the chance to get to know my students at a deeper level. Granted, teachers don't have the responsibility to transform a student's life and it's definitely not realistic to do that for all of their students.
I have 76.
Well now 74, and slowly but surely decreasing as we speak...since Korean moms love to "taste-test" hakwons....
Anyway, my dilemma is....is it okay for me to do this??
The idea just came about very naturally. Some of my students, especially the girls, love to chit-chat and tell me stories, but frankly, we don't have time to do that. Class time isn't even enough for the work we need to cover and if we do have time left, we can't just sit there and talk. The mom's will go crazy if they see the students (through the video recordings...our classes are recorded) with their books unopened, they'll complain f'sho.
And more importantly, I really want to make myself available to these kids, especially the 6th graders. They're at a crossroads where they're entering a rough six years of intense studying and yet they're not preparing themselves at all. It very much resembles senioritis.......
Plus, one of the mother's had suggested to me that she'd love to see some kind of mentor ship for her daughter, which I expressed that I would love that for myself as well.
So really, this could go both ways: either become an opportunity that opens doors for many more teacher-student relationships or...drama. Drama among the teachers, from the possible misunderstanding that I'm setting a level that they might feel forced to meet and that I'm trying to win the students' hearts, and even drama among the students that I'm being exclusive/partial.
I definitely can't do this with all of my students...there's just some that I'd love to invest in and can see us getting along very well.
Well, we'll see how it goes. The water's already been spilled. I told the five students to ask their parents about how they feel about this proposal. :)
I'm just gonna be optimistic, and believe that this is the beginning of something good.
{eSeul}
Monday, July 18, 2011
I think this is it.....
This past weekend was so draining.
It was good, real good.
But so bad at the same time.
It began with an awesome, late night 삼겹살 (samgyubsal: grilled pork belly) dinner with a couple of my most favorite people on a rainy night in Ilsan. It continued on to a greatly missed sleepover at my apartment with nail polish and a not-so-favored Korean drama marathon. The Korean drama was well worth it, however, because my distinguished guest (Nants) is an absolute (obsessive) fan of the particular drama that was on. It was good to see her happy.
The following day included the most delicious 칼국수 (kalguksoo: handcut noodles) lunch and an extremely brief and rainy shopping excursion in my neighborhood. We got some dessert at the cutest Cafe Bene (the upgraded version of Starbucks in Korea) in my area and walked Jamie (my other guest) to the bus stop.
And then came the phone call with my mother.
No, it is not something that ruined my day.
It was not a (-__-) moment.
It just revealed to me the truth of why I haven't been able to really enjoy my time here. Not even an ounce, to be honest.
As it was expected, my mother is lonely.... It's something I worried about ever since I graduated college, but she always said she'll be okay because she "now has God".
But that's what mothers always say.
Every time I talk to her I wonder if it was the right decision for me to move here.
And then I feel like...what can I do? What more can I do? I need to do something, something to fix all her problems. Money doesn't seem to be enough....
Then, Sunday came.
From the moment I stepped into service, the tears came.
A breakthrough in my family, the desire to erase all shame, guilt, and burden.
The lies of my powerlessness, responsibilities, inadequacies.
And then, the truth of the Spirit and the flesh.
I've been living in the flesh for too long. I've always craved the Spiritual, but was always bound to the flesh.
Freedom?
It's not always about being imprisoned to laws or sins....
It's also about being imprisoned to all that you expect of yourself.
If you know me, you'd know how much I believe that the time is coming, the time for me to break out of my chains.
I think it begins here.
{eSeul}
It was good, real good.
But so bad at the same time.
It began with an awesome, late night 삼겹살 (samgyubsal: grilled pork belly) dinner with a couple of my most favorite people on a rainy night in Ilsan. It continued on to a greatly missed sleepover at my apartment with nail polish and a not-so-favored Korean drama marathon. The Korean drama was well worth it, however, because my distinguished guest (Nants) is an absolute (obsessive) fan of the particular drama that was on. It was good to see her happy.
The following day included the most delicious 칼국수 (kalguksoo: handcut noodles) lunch and an extremely brief and rainy shopping excursion in my neighborhood. We got some dessert at the cutest Cafe Bene (the upgraded version of Starbucks in Korea) in my area and walked Jamie (my other guest) to the bus stop.
And then came the phone call with my mother.
No, it is not something that ruined my day.
It was not a (-__-) moment.
It just revealed to me the truth of why I haven't been able to really enjoy my time here. Not even an ounce, to be honest.
As it was expected, my mother is lonely.... It's something I worried about ever since I graduated college, but she always said she'll be okay because she "now has God".
But that's what mothers always say.
Every time I talk to her I wonder if it was the right decision for me to move here.
And then I feel like...what can I do? What more can I do? I need to do something, something to fix all her problems. Money doesn't seem to be enough....
Then, Sunday came.
From the moment I stepped into service, the tears came.
A breakthrough in my family, the desire to erase all shame, guilt, and burden.
The lies of my powerlessness, responsibilities, inadequacies.
And then, the truth of the Spirit and the flesh.
I've been living in the flesh for too long. I've always craved the Spiritual, but was always bound to the flesh.
Freedom?
It's not always about being imprisoned to laws or sins....
It's also about being imprisoned to all that you expect of yourself.
If you know me, you'd know how much I believe that the time is coming, the time for me to break out of my chains.
I think it begins here.
{eSeul}
Friday, July 8, 2011
아빠
.
*WARNING: Heavy thoughts ahead....*
At work I'm usually caught up preparing things before classes start but today I had an unusual amount of free time, which was perfect because I got go make some phonecalls to my relatives before heading down to see them tomorrow. Which reminds me..I should be in bed for the trip ahead...anyways.
I finally got to talk to my 큰엄마 (keun-umma, oldest aunt on my dad's side, so my dad's oldest brother's wife) and the things she said brought up a lot of feelings that I wanted to forget.
You know when people pass...most of the time we want to remember the good memories and cherish who that person was? Well for me...it's hard for me to smile and reminisce about the good times because even those times make me sad. The fact that I can't have them anymore, and I mostly think about what could've been.
My aunt said my dad was unlucky. My sister and I are finally grown up and ready to lift my parents' burdens but he left just before life for him would get better. What she basically said was that he raised us well but he's so unlucky to not be able to receive the fruits of his labor. Of course she didn't mean that in a bad way, and I totally agree.... My heart aches whenever I think about him and all that he never got to have. Being at Korea makes it harder because he always wanted to come here. But never, not once since he left Korea 20 years ago did he allow himself to come back, even for a visit.... Everything I eat, everything I see I want to share with him but I can't.
The other night I had a dream with him in it. It was strange. We were back at our old apartment and were holding serious meetings, meetings to prepare and plan for some kind of battle. Yes, a war-like battle. The climax of the dream was me "recruiting" several young guys from discreet, factory-like buildings down the street. I brought them to our apartment very eagerly and fed them well while my dad explained our plan. I don't remember much about the conversations, but I remember the seriousness, the intensity yet the coziness of that moment. And even though I only mostly saw the back and side views of my dad, I felt so secure.
And today it hit me.... I can only see him in my dreams, even those being very few. It's these times when I ask questions that I know will always remain unanswered but I keep asking them.
Why did he have to go?
Why at this time when things were starting to turn up?
Why did he go without ever experiencing pure freedom and joy?
I feel even further away from joy. I still wish this was all just a bad dream....
{eSeul}
*WARNING: Heavy thoughts ahead....*
At work I'm usually caught up preparing things before classes start but today I had an unusual amount of free time, which was perfect because I got go make some phonecalls to my relatives before heading down to see them tomorrow. Which reminds me..I should be in bed for the trip ahead...anyways.
I finally got to talk to my 큰엄마 (keun-umma, oldest aunt on my dad's side, so my dad's oldest brother's wife) and the things she said brought up a lot of feelings that I wanted to forget.
You know when people pass...most of the time we want to remember the good memories and cherish who that person was? Well for me...it's hard for me to smile and reminisce about the good times because even those times make me sad. The fact that I can't have them anymore, and I mostly think about what could've been.
My aunt said my dad was unlucky. My sister and I are finally grown up and ready to lift my parents' burdens but he left just before life for him would get better. What she basically said was that he raised us well but he's so unlucky to not be able to receive the fruits of his labor. Of course she didn't mean that in a bad way, and I totally agree.... My heart aches whenever I think about him and all that he never got to have. Being at Korea makes it harder because he always wanted to come here. But never, not once since he left Korea 20 years ago did he allow himself to come back, even for a visit.... Everything I eat, everything I see I want to share with him but I can't.
The other night I had a dream with him in it. It was strange. We were back at our old apartment and were holding serious meetings, meetings to prepare and plan for some kind of battle. Yes, a war-like battle. The climax of the dream was me "recruiting" several young guys from discreet, factory-like buildings down the street. I brought them to our apartment very eagerly and fed them well while my dad explained our plan. I don't remember much about the conversations, but I remember the seriousness, the intensity yet the coziness of that moment. And even though I only mostly saw the back and side views of my dad, I felt so secure.
And today it hit me.... I can only see him in my dreams, even those being very few. It's these times when I ask questions that I know will always remain unanswered but I keep asking them.
Why did he have to go?
Why at this time when things were starting to turn up?
Why did he go without ever experiencing pure freedom and joy?
I feel even further away from joy. I still wish this was all just a bad dream....
{eSeul}
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Immeasurable
.
Two nights ago I laid in "my" bed (it doesn't feel like my bed quite yet if you get my drift) and it came out of nowhere.
I'm here for AN ENTIRE YEAR.
Or longer....
Until now I felt like a year was going to be too short, and go too fast. But...that night I realized it's actually a pretty long period of time if you think about how much can happen in a year. How much will my mom change? How much will I change? Will there be any progress in our lives? I've been underestimating how precious time is, only thinking of filling up my agenda.
I need to learn to value it and soak everything in instead of moving at the pace of time. I know that it goes by quickly...but I need to slow it down. And the only way to do that, is by slowing down myself.
Everything I want to do will happen in due time. There's no reason for me to rush things or think that a year is too short when it's actually a long time....
Well, that's just another one of my random rambles. I'm actually 90% decided on getting an iPhone and not purchase a camera, so you can look forward to some frequent picture uploads. They won't be super good, but they'll do. :)
P.S. Do you like my new layout?? I like it...it's clean...and beige.... You're supposed to see the pillow/bed better but fail.... Okay that's all!
{eSeul}
Two nights ago I laid in "my" bed (it doesn't feel like my bed quite yet if you get my drift) and it came out of nowhere.
I'm here for AN ENTIRE YEAR.
Or longer....
Until now I felt like a year was going to be too short, and go too fast. But...that night I realized it's actually a pretty long period of time if you think about how much can happen in a year. How much will my mom change? How much will I change? Will there be any progress in our lives? I've been underestimating how precious time is, only thinking of filling up my agenda.
I need to learn to value it and soak everything in instead of moving at the pace of time. I know that it goes by quickly...but I need to slow it down. And the only way to do that, is by slowing down myself.
Everything I want to do will happen in due time. There's no reason for me to rush things or think that a year is too short when it's actually a long time....
Well, that's just another one of my random rambles. I'm actually 90% decided on getting an iPhone and not purchase a camera, so you can look forward to some frequent picture uploads. They won't be super good, but they'll do. :)
P.S. Do you like my new layout?? I like it...it's clean...and beige.... You're supposed to see the pillow/bed better but fail.... Okay that's all!
{eSeul}
Monday, July 4, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Comfortable Being Alone
I love playing.
I love going out, hanging out with people, grabbing a few drinks and eating good food...but definitely not as much as most people.
I actually prefer to be alone a lot of times. Not just physically, but also in dealing with my issues and stressing out like crazy.
Recently, I found myself in an unfamiliar situation. I think...I'm not sure what it exactly was...but I didn't want to be alone. I began to compare my life here with those of my friends who were able to be here together. I began to feel envious of their comfort in always having people to be with whenever they wanted to. I wished I had been able to be here when they were here.
And then I thought about everything I experienced back at home when they were here, all the people I formed relationships with. Would I still want it if it meant giving up my experience as a barista? Would I still want it if it meant giving up all the people I met along the way? Would it be worth it if it meant giving up taking my relationship with God to a whole new level?
Today I realized, that this truly is God's timing. I didn't really let that idea sink in because it sounded so cliche and I probably would've been fine and dandy if everything did work out that way. But...I know I'm here at this time for more than just playing and hanging out. I mean, not to say that that's all my friends did when they were here. I know each of them met God in a new way and grew spiritually (which I can't deny would've happened with me), but you get my drift. But I feel that God brought me here at this particular season of my life because He knows that I've reached a new level of understanding of who He is. He knows what I'm really searching for.
I feel so much more encouraged to embrace my life here, today, right here, right now. From being with me, you might know how much I've been wondering what God has prepared for me. You might know how strongly I feel that He's been preparing me for something.
I'm glad that things are being put back into perspective.
{eSeul}
I love going out, hanging out with people, grabbing a few drinks and eating good food...but definitely not as much as most people.
I actually prefer to be alone a lot of times. Not just physically, but also in dealing with my issues and stressing out like crazy.
Recently, I found myself in an unfamiliar situation. I think...I'm not sure what it exactly was...but I didn't want to be alone. I began to compare my life here with those of my friends who were able to be here together. I began to feel envious of their comfort in always having people to be with whenever they wanted to. I wished I had been able to be here when they were here.
And then I thought about everything I experienced back at home when they were here, all the people I formed relationships with. Would I still want it if it meant giving up my experience as a barista? Would I still want it if it meant giving up all the people I met along the way? Would it be worth it if it meant giving up taking my relationship with God to a whole new level?
Today I realized, that this truly is God's timing. I didn't really let that idea sink in because it sounded so cliche and I probably would've been fine and dandy if everything did work out that way. But...I know I'm here at this time for more than just playing and hanging out. I mean, not to say that that's all my friends did when they were here. I know each of them met God in a new way and grew spiritually (which I can't deny would've happened with me), but you get my drift. But I feel that God brought me here at this particular season of my life because He knows that I've reached a new level of understanding of who He is. He knows what I'm really searching for.
I feel so much more encouraged to embrace my life here, today, right here, right now. From being with me, you might know how much I've been wondering what God has prepared for me. You might know how strongly I feel that He's been preparing me for something.
I'm glad that things are being put back into perspective.
{eSeul}
Monday, June 20, 2011
And so it Begins...
Warning...this is not a happy post LOL.
The waterworks began last night.
I made a phone call to my mom because I wanted to hear her voice.
She updated me on her moving plans. At first I felt that she had to move out urgently because our rent was going up. But when she mentioned that she wanted to stay there, I felt strangely comforted. It's not what I had wanted because I wanted to save money as a family, but knowing that she will be less burdened makes me relieved.
Other than that...I could tell it was hard for her to hide her true emotions. She didn't want to tell me what was wrong but I got her to eventually tell me what she was feeling.
My absence is too great. She didn't expect my physical absence to be so overwhelming. All I've done while living with her was discourage her and create a negative environment but she misses me.
Nothing makes me more upset than that. I knew she would feel this way. Lonely. Just imagining her going to bed alone makes me so...so..sad.
I wish she was here with me. I wish I had talked her and pressured her into moving here with me.
And, last week I talked to one of my dad's sisters (my aunt) over the phone. She started crying from hearing my voice. This completely reflects...all the feelings that will resurface. My healing begins all over again here. Tears upon tears, painful memories upon memories. I need to muster up all the courage I have from this point on.
Sigh...well anyway...that was depressing. Sorry! Haha. Hope this passes, and I'll feel less and less homesick.
{eSeul}
The waterworks began last night.
I made a phone call to my mom because I wanted to hear her voice.
She updated me on her moving plans. At first I felt that she had to move out urgently because our rent was going up. But when she mentioned that she wanted to stay there, I felt strangely comforted. It's not what I had wanted because I wanted to save money as a family, but knowing that she will be less burdened makes me relieved.
Other than that...I could tell it was hard for her to hide her true emotions. She didn't want to tell me what was wrong but I got her to eventually tell me what she was feeling.
My absence is too great. She didn't expect my physical absence to be so overwhelming. All I've done while living with her was discourage her and create a negative environment but she misses me.
Nothing makes me more upset than that. I knew she would feel this way. Lonely. Just imagining her going to bed alone makes me so...so..sad.
I wish she was here with me. I wish I had talked her and pressured her into moving here with me.
And, last week I talked to one of my dad's sisters (my aunt) over the phone. She started crying from hearing my voice. This completely reflects...all the feelings that will resurface. My healing begins all over again here. Tears upon tears, painful memories upon memories. I need to muster up all the courage I have from this point on.
Sigh...well anyway...that was depressing. Sorry! Haha. Hope this passes, and I'll feel less and less homesick.
{eSeul}
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The First of Many
어제...쫌 많이 슬펐다.
어떻게든 빨리 엄마를 모셔야하겠다는 생각에.
엄만 우릴 위해 너무 많이 희생을 하며...
부모님과 제대로 생활 못 해 보시고...
테레비를 보는데, 어느 집 딸과 그의 어머니와 가족분들이 공항에서 이별을하는 모습을보며
정말 펑펑 울었다.
엄마가 나와 동생을 데리고 한국을 떠나시면서 얼마나 마음이 아프셨을까...
엄마가 외할머니랑 외할아버지와 해어지면서 얼마나 울으셨을까...
얼마나 한국에 대한 모든것이 그리우셨을까...
생각만해도 마음이 아프다.
그동안 엄마를 몰래 위로못해줬다는 게 정말 후회스럽기만 하다.
엄마 빨리 일 그만 두시고 편하게 지내셨으면...난 정말 더 이상 원하는 게 없을것 같다.
{eSeul
어떻게든 빨리 엄마를 모셔야하겠다는 생각에.
엄만 우릴 위해 너무 많이 희생을 하며...
부모님과 제대로 생활 못 해 보시고...
테레비를 보는데, 어느 집 딸과 그의 어머니와 가족분들이 공항에서 이별을하는 모습을보며
정말 펑펑 울었다.
엄마가 나와 동생을 데리고 한국을 떠나시면서 얼마나 마음이 아프셨을까...
엄마가 외할머니랑 외할아버지와 해어지면서 얼마나 울으셨을까...
얼마나 한국에 대한 모든것이 그리우셨을까...
생각만해도 마음이 아프다.
그동안 엄마를 몰래 위로못해줬다는 게 정말 후회스럽기만 하다.
엄마 빨리 일 그만 두시고 편하게 지내셨으면...난 정말 더 이상 원하는 게 없을것 같다.
{eSeul
Friday, June 10, 2011
Am I Really in Korea?
I still find myself asking this question:
"Wait..I'm in Korea..?"
I know that I'm in a completely new environment because there is a pretty high level of discomfort, but at the same time I almost feel like I never left home. Many many times I can't differentiate my surroundings with Koreatown in Los Angeles, but there are definitely reminders that I am definitely no longer in America.
Well..apart from that, let me tell you about my first night out in Korea.
The night began at around 11pm, after we left the hakwon and arrived in the downtown area of Ilsan, the city I live in. It's not a long distance at all nor did we end work that late, but you have to consider the time of decision-making on where to eat and all that.
Our first stop was a barbecue place where we were able to enjoy some bomb grilled pork belly with the works (lettuce wraps, grilled kimchi, rice cake sheets, shredded green onion salad, BEER+SOJU, etc.), which was paid for by our head teacher.
Our next stop, a pretty Westernized bar that consisted of hard liquor (bourbon whiskey), dart games, drinking games, and loud loud music. This was paid for by a former head teacher who moved to headquarters.
The last stop, karaokeing. What's great about karaoke in Korea is that they continuously added 10 free minutes on top of our said one hour, which ended up to be almost an hour of free karaoke adding up to two hours.
This was also paid by the former head teacher.
It was long and tiring, but it was hard to keep track of time because 1. I was having fun and 2. I don't have any means of keeping track of time. At all.
I hope there will be more of these...LOL. Free food and free other things. But more than anything, occasions to get to know my co-teachers better.
Tomorrow, I will sleep in, replace some wacked out lightbulbs in my apartment, rearrange some furniture, and look for some good deals on couches. That is all for tonight.
{eSeul}
"Wait..I'm in Korea..?"
I know that I'm in a completely new environment because there is a pretty high level of discomfort, but at the same time I almost feel like I never left home. Many many times I can't differentiate my surroundings with Koreatown in Los Angeles, but there are definitely reminders that I am definitely no longer in America.
Well..apart from that, let me tell you about my first night out in Korea.
The night began at around 11pm, after we left the hakwon and arrived in the downtown area of Ilsan, the city I live in. It's not a long distance at all nor did we end work that late, but you have to consider the time of decision-making on where to eat and all that.
Our first stop was a barbecue place where we were able to enjoy some bomb grilled pork belly with the works (lettuce wraps, grilled kimchi, rice cake sheets, shredded green onion salad, BEER+SOJU, etc.), which was paid for by our head teacher.
Our next stop, a pretty Westernized bar that consisted of hard liquor (bourbon whiskey), dart games, drinking games, and loud loud music. This was paid for by a former head teacher who moved to headquarters.
The last stop, karaokeing. What's great about karaoke in Korea is that they continuously added 10 free minutes on top of our said one hour, which ended up to be almost an hour of free karaoke adding up to two hours.
This was also paid by the former head teacher.
It was long and tiring, but it was hard to keep track of time because 1. I was having fun and 2. I don't have any means of keeping track of time. At all.
I hope there will be more of these...LOL. Free food and free other things. But more than anything, occasions to get to know my co-teachers better.
Tomorrow, I will sleep in, replace some wacked out lightbulbs in my apartment, rearrange some furniture, and look for some good deals on couches. That is all for tonight.
{eSeul}
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Settling In
It's been so hard for me to settle into my humble apartment. Adjusting here has been fine, since I've already been pretty aware of what people are like in Korea, but of course there were a few shockers. But settling in....man it's much more difficult when you're a pretty particular person. I know that I don't have the financial stability to want all the things I want, but I don't think I'll feel at home until I get those things. Just a few are:
Curtains
More than just one set of bedsheets
A couch
Fabric to lay on my stairs that lead to my loft
Warm-lit light bulbs
A full-length mirror
At the same time, I'm asking myself...if I buy all these things, I'm only going to want to stay here another year, but am I really up for that? So much to consider...
But I think...it's best for me to just live in the now. Get everything I need to get if it means to create this place into a place of solace. If I end up leaving after my year is up, then fine, I'll just give away everything. If I end up staying, then it will probably be for good reasons.
Other than that...Korea's fine. Transportation, as I expected, is awesome. The convenience of having food when and where you want it, spectacular. The culture, can use some work. The people...I still need to get used to.
Aside from all of that, all I can and want to feel is anticipation. I really hope to let everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g seep into my eyes and ears and soak into my heart. This is truly just the beginning.
{eSeul}
Curtains
More than just one set of bedsheets
A couch
Fabric to lay on my stairs that lead to my loft
Warm-lit light bulbs
A full-length mirror
At the same time, I'm asking myself...if I buy all these things, I'm only going to want to stay here another year, but am I really up for that? So much to consider...
But I think...it's best for me to just live in the now. Get everything I need to get if it means to create this place into a place of solace. If I end up leaving after my year is up, then fine, I'll just give away everything. If I end up staying, then it will probably be for good reasons.
Other than that...Korea's fine. Transportation, as I expected, is awesome. The convenience of having food when and where you want it, spectacular. The culture, can use some work. The people...I still need to get used to.
Aside from all of that, all I can and want to feel is anticipation. I really hope to let everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g seep into my eyes and ears and soak into my heart. This is truly just the beginning.
{eSeul}
Friday, June 3, 2011
Dreaming for Dreams
It's approximately 3:30 in the morning here in Korea but I wanted to post this before going to bed....
Tonight I decided to give my aunt a phone call before leaving work while I had access to a phone and ended up talking to my cousin as well. And very unexpectedly, my cousin and I decided to meet up for some coffee. He picked me up from work and we walked for some time, looking for a coffee shop that was still open but quiet. We sat and talked for quite some time. Did I mention that I hadn't seen him since I was maybe 10-years-old??
Anyway...while we were chit-chatting, we saw a little girl who appeared to be no more than four-years-old wandering around the coffee shop while her mother watched her from her seat. And it was freaking midnight. Seriously, Korean children don't seem to have a bedtime.
This led to me talking to my cousin about how late Korean kids seem to go to bed, while in America, children have a bedtime of no later than 8pm. And he said something that of course I should've known beforehand: kids here have no choice especially since they're technically in school until at least 9pm. Hello Eseul...you teach until 10. So of course they don't have a bedtime. Well, I guess there are a good amount of American children who go to bed late, too, but I highly, highly doubt that it's by reason of school work. Probably video games. Or television.
But the point of all this is that kids here...their lives are practically run by school. Not by choice, but by the expectations set by their parents. The mothers at our academy are a whole lot more interested in the students' progress than the students themselves. They get incredibly upset when their child doesn't improve and progress to a higher class by the next semester. It's heartbreaking to know how much stress these kids must be enduring from all the scolding and pressure they get from their parents. And what does that result in? Suicides. Korea is known for its disturbingly high rate of suicides. But can you conceive elementary school and middle school aged children factoring into that number?
My cousin told me about a recent story of a child who could never meet his/her mother's academic expectation. After failing and failing to meet 95% and above, he/she finally achieved a perfect score on an exam. With his/her report was a note that read something along the lines of, "Is this good enough?" and that day jumped off a building.
What....what is going on??
It hurts.
Even more so, I want to help them to never stop dreaming. That's what kept me going. School really, really isn't everything (although I wouldn't say that to them). If anything, it's getting in their way of dreaming their innocent dreams. I can't change the way the parents here think. That's out of my control. But I hope I can somehow...lessen the burden of these children, some being my own students. Today I had this realization that teaching isn't all that bad. I'm actually enjoying it and my heart is becoming fuller by seeing how much influence, even if not much, I can have on these kids. I just hope and pray for opportunities to love on them.
Now I appreciate even more why my parents moved us to the States. They had mentioned that it wasn't just the opportunities out there, but the freedom in our education; we won't be bound by it as students in Korea are. So many things to process.....
{eSeul}
Tonight I decided to give my aunt a phone call before leaving work while I had access to a phone and ended up talking to my cousin as well. And very unexpectedly, my cousin and I decided to meet up for some coffee. He picked me up from work and we walked for some time, looking for a coffee shop that was still open but quiet. We sat and talked for quite some time. Did I mention that I hadn't seen him since I was maybe 10-years-old??
Anyway...while we were chit-chatting, we saw a little girl who appeared to be no more than four-years-old wandering around the coffee shop while her mother watched her from her seat. And it was freaking midnight. Seriously, Korean children don't seem to have a bedtime.
This led to me talking to my cousin about how late Korean kids seem to go to bed, while in America, children have a bedtime of no later than 8pm. And he said something that of course I should've known beforehand: kids here have no choice especially since they're technically in school until at least 9pm. Hello Eseul...you teach until 10. So of course they don't have a bedtime. Well, I guess there are a good amount of American children who go to bed late, too, but I highly, highly doubt that it's by reason of school work. Probably video games. Or television.
But the point of all this is that kids here...their lives are practically run by school. Not by choice, but by the expectations set by their parents. The mothers at our academy are a whole lot more interested in the students' progress than the students themselves. They get incredibly upset when their child doesn't improve and progress to a higher class by the next semester. It's heartbreaking to know how much stress these kids must be enduring from all the scolding and pressure they get from their parents. And what does that result in? Suicides. Korea is known for its disturbingly high rate of suicides. But can you conceive elementary school and middle school aged children factoring into that number?
My cousin told me about a recent story of a child who could never meet his/her mother's academic expectation. After failing and failing to meet 95% and above, he/she finally achieved a perfect score on an exam. With his/her report was a note that read something along the lines of, "Is this good enough?" and that day jumped off a building.
What....what is going on??
It hurts.
Even more so, I want to help them to never stop dreaming. That's what kept me going. School really, really isn't everything (although I wouldn't say that to them). If anything, it's getting in their way of dreaming their innocent dreams. I can't change the way the parents here think. That's out of my control. But I hope I can somehow...lessen the burden of these children, some being my own students. Today I had this realization that teaching isn't all that bad. I'm actually enjoying it and my heart is becoming fuller by seeing how much influence, even if not much, I can have on these kids. I just hope and pray for opportunities to love on them.
Now I appreciate even more why my parents moved us to the States. They had mentioned that it wasn't just the opportunities out there, but the freedom in our education; we won't be bound by it as students in Korea are. So many things to process.....
{eSeul}
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Less that a Week
Today marks my fourth day in Korea and my second day of teaching. The more I think about it, the more it's hitting me that I'm actually...really a teacher.
I really really hope that I can enhance my students' lives, not just their English. Dude, improving their English in itself would be considered an amazing accomplishment. But honestly, honestly...I think the child's well-being is much more important.
Anyway...
I've had quite a few interesting moments here so far, a few having to do with some people at work. There is the VP of our branch, whose been looking out for my best interest in several ways. On my second day of training, he called my downstairs to have a talk with him. He asked how I was, and then asked if I had eaten yet. I said no, and he offered to buy me a meal. I kindly rejected because I had a huge headache at that time and whenever I eat with a headache, I can be found embracing the toilet later on in the day. He mainly helped me feel so much more comfortable with my fears of feeling lost. As I left he said he just wanted to buy me food, but glad that he got to see that I'm doing well. Later my co-workers said that he has never offered to buy food for anyone.
Then today, I was heading over to a co-worker's apartment to pick up some stuff he didn't need because he moved out. When I got there and was about to open the door, the VP walks out! Awkward.................... He was there because he's moving in there soon. So he helped me grab the stuff I wanted (a small table, a rice cooker, a heating fan, and a frying pan...score!!) and walked me home...so glad that I lived just one building over. He never ceases to tell me to let him know if I ever need anything. Just to put it out there, from the exterior this man looks like he's been through some trouble...so it feels weird sometimes to be treated so nicely by him.
There's this other person, one of the chief administrators of the academy. He helped me move in and find my way to the academy. He's said things like, "When are you going to buy me a beer?" "Am I supposed to buy it for you?" "We have to go on a date to get your alien card" "I was going to take you to my church on Sunday." For me, I just took it as casual joking. When I told my co-workers that he wants to escort me to get my alien card on a Saturday, they said in a laughing matter that I have to be careful because he's never done that with any other teacher. So today, before leaving work, I took my docs from his drawer and I'm going to go alone tomorrow. LOL
What is going on with all this special treatment?? Should I be scared, or grateful?
But with my personality...I don't take these matters very seriously. Only until it becomes a real problem. Right now, I just consider these to be blessings.
P.S. A couple of the girls in one of my classes were whispering to themselves that they think I'm pretty..........PUHAHA A+ for them!
{eSeul}
I really really hope that I can enhance my students' lives, not just their English. Dude, improving their English in itself would be considered an amazing accomplishment. But honestly, honestly...I think the child's well-being is much more important.
Anyway...
I've had quite a few interesting moments here so far, a few having to do with some people at work. There is the VP of our branch, whose been looking out for my best interest in several ways. On my second day of training, he called my downstairs to have a talk with him. He asked how I was, and then asked if I had eaten yet. I said no, and he offered to buy me a meal. I kindly rejected because I had a huge headache at that time and whenever I eat with a headache, I can be found embracing the toilet later on in the day. He mainly helped me feel so much more comfortable with my fears of feeling lost. As I left he said he just wanted to buy me food, but glad that he got to see that I'm doing well. Later my co-workers said that he has never offered to buy food for anyone.
Then today, I was heading over to a co-worker's apartment to pick up some stuff he didn't need because he moved out. When I got there and was about to open the door, the VP walks out! Awkward.................... He was there because he's moving in there soon. So he helped me grab the stuff I wanted (a small table, a rice cooker, a heating fan, and a frying pan...score!!) and walked me home...so glad that I lived just one building over. He never ceases to tell me to let him know if I ever need anything. Just to put it out there, from the exterior this man looks like he's been through some trouble...so it feels weird sometimes to be treated so nicely by him.
There's this other person, one of the chief administrators of the academy. He helped me move in and find my way to the academy. He's said things like, "When are you going to buy me a beer?" "Am I supposed to buy it for you?" "We have to go on a date to get your alien card" "I was going to take you to my church on Sunday." For me, I just took it as casual joking. When I told my co-workers that he wants to escort me to get my alien card on a Saturday, they said in a laughing matter that I have to be careful because he's never done that with any other teacher. So today, before leaving work, I took my docs from his drawer and I'm going to go alone tomorrow. LOL
What is going on with all this special treatment?? Should I be scared, or grateful?
But with my personality...I don't take these matters very seriously. Only until it becomes a real problem. Right now, I just consider these to be blessings.
P.S. A couple of the girls in one of my classes were whispering to themselves that they think I'm pretty..........PUHAHA A+ for them!
{eSeul}
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Ephesians 3:11-12
"This was according to the eternal purpose
that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord,
in whom we have boldness and access with confidence
through our faith in him."
I have to say, the greatest discomfort I've experienced since my arrival in Korea has been walking around the neighborhood. Maybe I'm just self-conscious of what my people might think of me, but I feel like everyone is looking at me with very judgmental eyes. Like..they have laser beams shooting from there eyes, scoping me out from head to toe. Whenever I roamed around SoCal, I never felt uncomfortable even though almost everyone around me were completely different appearance-wise. I also feel like I have to be a certain way around my co-workers. I feel like one little thing I do can change their entire perspective of who I am.
Sigh...this is why...community is so very important.
All the love I've received during my short time here so far feels so undeserving. Just through e-mail I've gained so much confidence in who I am and why I'm here. I'm so...so overwhelmed with gratitude for the people who are making sure that I don't lose sight of that....
And although we all seem to lack confidence in many areas, I realized we actually do see so much in ourselves. Think about it...whenever you're placed in a situation where you find it hard to be comfortable and feel shy, you always ask the question, "Why can't I just be myself??"
I think...that question in itself reveals how much you do love yourself and believe in yourself. You think to yourself, 'if I am myself, I can get along with everyone just fine.' That's really it isn't it?
Today's my first day of teaching. After meditating on these thoughts, I feel like I can walk into all five of my classrooms with confidence. I feel like He's given me a coat that will reflect off all the laser beams that come my way. Let's just hope that I don't forget any of this.
{eSeul}
that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord,
in whom we have boldness and access with confidence
through our faith in him."
I have to say, the greatest discomfort I've experienced since my arrival in Korea has been walking around the neighborhood. Maybe I'm just self-conscious of what my people might think of me, but I feel like everyone is looking at me with very judgmental eyes. Like..they have laser beams shooting from there eyes, scoping me out from head to toe. Whenever I roamed around SoCal, I never felt uncomfortable even though almost everyone around me were completely different appearance-wise. I also feel like I have to be a certain way around my co-workers. I feel like one little thing I do can change their entire perspective of who I am.
Sigh...this is why...community is so very important.
All the love I've received during my short time here so far feels so undeserving. Just through e-mail I've gained so much confidence in who I am and why I'm here. I'm so...so overwhelmed with gratitude for the people who are making sure that I don't lose sight of that....
And although we all seem to lack confidence in many areas, I realized we actually do see so much in ourselves. Think about it...whenever you're placed in a situation where you find it hard to be comfortable and feel shy, you always ask the question, "Why can't I just be myself??"
I think...that question in itself reveals how much you do love yourself and believe in yourself. You think to yourself, 'if I am myself, I can get along with everyone just fine.' That's really it isn't it?
Today's my first day of teaching. After meditating on these thoughts, I feel like I can walk into all five of my classrooms with confidence. I feel like He's given me a coat that will reflect off all the laser beams that come my way. Let's just hope that I don't forget any of this.
{eSeul}
Monday, May 30, 2011
Some First Thoughts in Korea
That was a sweaty plane ride
Cramping butt
Long line for immigration
Apartment is nice!
But dirty....
Cleaned, scrubbed, cleaned, and cleaned.
Blankets smell like they were sitting in a closet for months.
Friendly people ratio? 50:50
I feel like everyone looks at me with very judgmental eyes...maybe I'm just self-conscious
BE CONFIDENT AND EXCITED!
Wish umma was here with me...
Hope the bus ride goes well and I don't get lost... (I didn't! :))
PEOPLE DON'T JUDGE ME!
I'm surprised to be in a fairly nice, hip neighborhood.
And right across the street is the park!
Haven't really had much time to "feel"...so busy and caught up with cleaning.
It was an interesting first night. Didn't have a clock. Literally woke up the next morning with the sunrise. Thought it was past 8am. Turns out it was only 6:30. -__-
I wish umma was here too..
I'm so good at cleaning. I feel like I'm being more anal because this is actually MY place...
It still hasn't settled in that I'm really in Korea. I feel like I'm in K-Town.
Co-workers seem like fun and comfortable to be around.
Can't wait to show y'all what my life is like.... I actually don't really know myself just yet.
{eSeul}
Cramping butt
Long line for immigration
Apartment is nice!
But dirty....
Cleaned, scrubbed, cleaned, and cleaned.
Blankets smell like they were sitting in a closet for months.
Friendly people ratio? 50:50
I feel like everyone looks at me with very judgmental eyes...maybe I'm just self-conscious
BE CONFIDENT AND EXCITED!
Wish umma was here with me...
Hope the bus ride goes well and I don't get lost... (I didn't! :))
PEOPLE DON'T JUDGE ME!
I'm surprised to be in a fairly nice, hip neighborhood.
And right across the street is the park!
Haven't really had much time to "feel"...so busy and caught up with cleaning.
It was an interesting first night. Didn't have a clock. Literally woke up the next morning with the sunrise. Thought it was past 8am. Turns out it was only 6:30. -__-
I wish umma was here too..
I'm so good at cleaning. I feel like I'm being more anal because this is actually MY place...
It still hasn't settled in that I'm really in Korea. I feel like I'm in K-Town.
Co-workers seem like fun and comfortable to be around.
Can't wait to show y'all what my life is like.... I actually don't really know myself just yet.
{eSeul}
Friday, May 27, 2011
Less than 48 Hours...
To my dearest friends who came to bid me farewell,
as well as my friends who were there in spirit....
Thank you for showering me with your love tonight. Even though it was super last minute I definitely sensed your efforts and sacrifice to show how much you care. I felt so spoiled and at the same time felt even more confused at the closeness of my departure.
It was definitely hard to say my "See you in a year"s because it still doesn't feel like I'm leaving in less than two days. Even now I'm asking myself if I really am traveling halfway across the world for an entire year...or even longer. Not only that, the physical distance that will be between us swept over me as I returned home. I don't know if I'm looking forward to leaving....
But after reading all the encouragements you left me in my ultra-fabulous yet obnoxious card, I'm feeling a lot more peace about my departure. How much you know me and care about my dreams comforts me. Not only do you know about my long-lived desires to live in let alone visit that country, but you also know my deepest desires for the Lord to do as He pleases with my life out there. I'm so excited to know that y'all are sending me out in a way that excites me and reminds me of the true reasons in my venture out to Korea.
I'm still scared and still in disbelief, but I feel...prepared. I promise to enjoy it to the fullest.
{eSeul}
as well as my friends who were there in spirit....
Thank you for showering me with your love tonight. Even though it was super last minute I definitely sensed your efforts and sacrifice to show how much you care. I felt so spoiled and at the same time felt even more confused at the closeness of my departure.
It was definitely hard to say my "See you in a year"s because it still doesn't feel like I'm leaving in less than two days. Even now I'm asking myself if I really am traveling halfway across the world for an entire year...or even longer. Not only that, the physical distance that will be between us swept over me as I returned home. I don't know if I'm looking forward to leaving....
But after reading all the encouragements you left me in my ultra-fabulous yet obnoxious card, I'm feeling a lot more peace about my departure. How much you know me and care about my dreams comforts me. Not only do you know about my long-lived desires to live in let alone visit that country, but you also know my deepest desires for the Lord to do as He pleases with my life out there. I'm so excited to know that y'all are sending me out in a way that excites me and reminds me of the true reasons in my venture out to Korea.
I'm still scared and still in disbelief, but I feel...prepared. I promise to enjoy it to the fullest.
{eSeul}
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Beauty Vloggers
Okay, confession time.
I am...a HUGE YouTube beauty vlog follower. Okay well, I don't really subscribe to anyone but I do try to keep up with people posting up videos on different beauty tips. Just a few of my favorites are:
Michelle Phan
http://www.youtube.com/user/MichellePhan?blend=1&ob=5
Wendy
http://www.youtube.com/user/wendyslookbook
YaYa
http://www.youtube.com/user/YaYaLifestyle
Jenn&Sarah
http://www.youtube.com/user/clothesencounters
And then there are vloggers who get fifty gazillion likes and a gajillion comments and so much media exposure although not as many subscribers/followers as the others mentioned...here is one of this sort:
Blair
http://www.youtube.com/user/juicystar07
I don't get it.
How does a girl who talks 87 mph (SHE DOESN'T BREATHE I SWEAR) who pretty much shows off all the "stuff" she has while being helpful here and there gets an incredible amount of feedback while the girls (who I'm fond of) are prone to get a pretty good amount of negative attention, especially if they were to be close to annoying as Blair? Granted, Blair probably loves the art of make up (o.O) but I'm not really sure what kind of example she's trying to set for young girls who watch her videos. I feel like they might feel a lot of pressure to become materialistic. And she's snagged showings in pretty popular talk shows.
The blogs I initially listed? These girls are so talented. And you can tell what they show in their videos are purely to be helpful. Not only that, they're super creative and artful. But once they do something out of their way to "upgrade", they are scolded for becoming less genuine.
Again. I don't get it.
I don't know...I'm blabbering. I just wish that more people would notice the artfulness and beauty in the creative aspect of it, not just the beauty products.
Girls, it doesn't have to be about all the nice things you have. Work with what you got, yea?
{eSeul}
I am...a HUGE YouTube beauty vlog follower. Okay well, I don't really subscribe to anyone but I do try to keep up with people posting up videos on different beauty tips. Just a few of my favorites are:
Michelle Phan
http://www.youtube.com/user/MichellePhan?blend=1&ob=5
Wendy
http://www.youtube.com/user/wendyslookbook
YaYa
http://www.youtube.com/user/YaYaLifestyle
Jenn&Sarah
http://www.youtube.com/user/clothesencounters
And then there are vloggers who get fifty gazillion likes and a gajillion comments and so much media exposure although not as many subscribers/followers as the others mentioned...here is one of this sort:
Blair
http://www.youtube.com/user/juicystar07
I don't get it.
How does a girl who talks 87 mph (SHE DOESN'T BREATHE I SWEAR) who pretty much shows off all the "stuff" she has while being helpful here and there gets an incredible amount of feedback while the girls (who I'm fond of) are prone to get a pretty good amount of negative attention, especially if they were to be close to annoying as Blair? Granted, Blair probably loves the art of make up (o.O) but I'm not really sure what kind of example she's trying to set for young girls who watch her videos. I feel like they might feel a lot of pressure to become materialistic. And she's snagged showings in pretty popular talk shows.
The blogs I initially listed? These girls are so talented. And you can tell what they show in their videos are purely to be helpful. Not only that, they're super creative and artful. But once they do something out of their way to "upgrade", they are scolded for becoming less genuine.
Again. I don't get it.
I don't know...I'm blabbering. I just wish that more people would notice the artfulness and beauty in the creative aspect of it, not just the beauty products.
Girls, it doesn't have to be about all the nice things you have. Work with what you got, yea?
{eSeul}
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Making Sense
Has it ever occurred to you, that pain is a blessing in disguise?
I did today, and although I don't fully accept it, I think I'm getting there.
The other day my friend was walking me through the process of getting some legal documents notarized. She recently had to painstakingly endure this process so she told me what to do step-by-step to a tee. And as much as it was a frustrating process for her, she seemed to be very glad to help me out so that I won't have to go through the same misery.
Similarly, I recently went through an unnecessarily complicated process of getting my Korean visa. It didn't have to be such an annoying experience, but it was, and because of that I can definitely save other people the trouble. And I'd do it without hesitation, and happily.
Maybe that's the whole thing about pain. The happenings in life that hurt you to the bones. The times that make you want to crawl into bed and never get up again. The ones where you find yourself asking, "Why me? Why must I live with this for the rest of my life? Why couldn't you save me from this suffering?"
When we endure immense pain, we become extremely familiar to it. It revisits you from time to time, without warning, but you know it so well that you actually know that it's back. A lot of times it's unexplainable, but there will definitely come a time when you can share it with someone, and be that one person who actually understands. And you'll do it without hesitation. And perhaps with a joyful heart.
I hope I can be strong enough to live that out. Soon enough.
{eSeul}
I did today, and although I don't fully accept it, I think I'm getting there.
The other day my friend was walking me through the process of getting some legal documents notarized. She recently had to painstakingly endure this process so she told me what to do step-by-step to a tee. And as much as it was a frustrating process for her, she seemed to be very glad to help me out so that I won't have to go through the same misery.
Similarly, I recently went through an unnecessarily complicated process of getting my Korean visa. It didn't have to be such an annoying experience, but it was, and because of that I can definitely save other people the trouble. And I'd do it without hesitation, and happily.
Maybe that's the whole thing about pain. The happenings in life that hurt you to the bones. The times that make you want to crawl into bed and never get up again. The ones where you find yourself asking, "Why me? Why must I live with this for the rest of my life? Why couldn't you save me from this suffering?"
When we endure immense pain, we become extremely familiar to it. It revisits you from time to time, without warning, but you know it so well that you actually know that it's back. A lot of times it's unexplainable, but there will definitely come a time when you can share it with someone, and be that one person who actually understands. And you'll do it without hesitation. And perhaps with a joyful heart.
I hope I can be strong enough to live that out. Soon enough.
{eSeul}
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Just One of Those Nights
I hadn't had one these in a while.
The nights where all the memories rush into my thoughts, and flood them without warning.
Only through tears can they be drained.
I'm still learning to float in these floods, still learning to embrace the reminiscence instead of refusing it.
I don't want to drown anymore.
I don't want to forget.
{eSeul}
Friday, April 15, 2011
You Give and Take Away
인생이란 돌고 도는 것이다
가는 것이 있으면 오는 것도 있고
만나면 헤어짐이 있는 것이고
행복이 있으면 슬픔도 있는 것이다
그게 인생인 것이다.
Life is a constant cycle:
When something leaves something also comes,
you meet and you separate,
and where there is happiness there is also sadness.
That is life.
-1박2일 2011년 1월 16일 방송
1Night2Days episode aired on 01-16-11
{eSeul}
가는 것이 있으면 오는 것도 있고
만나면 헤어짐이 있는 것이고
행복이 있으면 슬픔도 있는 것이다
그게 인생인 것이다.
Life is a constant cycle:
When something leaves something also comes,
you meet and you separate,
and where there is happiness there is also sadness.
That is life.
-1박2일 2011년 1월 16일 방송
1Night2Days episode aired on 01-16-11
{eSeul}
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Refocus for Relief
I just finished reading some thoughts that a friend shared on Facebook and now I am finding myself disappointed at my negligence. After reading his note, I almost instantly reflected back at the time when I took a month off from "socializing" and spent most of my time to myself. During that time I learned so much and found myself so near to the heart of God. I was so close to feeling a physical embrace and presence from Him. And then I, with all the ease in the world, became accustomed to the distractions in life. I began to read less, pray less, and meditate less.
I've said this before and notice this over and over again, but God is constantly trying to catch my attention. His pursuit for me is unwavering. His efforts to return my focus back onto Him and only Him is tireless. The loudest thing I've heard lately? How much He wants to simplify my life. I've found a lot of peace over the past few months from learning how simple life really is. But...why am I taking my time? Why am I procrastinating?
That's all to say, I feel set free once more from what I considered to be leisure, when my ultimate relaxation rests in His presence.
{eSeul}
I've said this before and notice this over and over again, but God is constantly trying to catch my attention. His pursuit for me is unwavering. His efforts to return my focus back onto Him and only Him is tireless. The loudest thing I've heard lately? How much He wants to simplify my life. I've found a lot of peace over the past few months from learning how simple life really is. But...why am I taking my time? Why am I procrastinating?
That's all to say, I feel set free once more from what I considered to be leisure, when my ultimate relaxation rests in His presence.
{eSeul}
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Never Again
I just came out of a 20-hour suffering called food poisoning.
I'm pretty sure it was the Mexican Caesar Salad I had for lunch at Rutabegorz on Sunday.
It makes me regret that much more about not getting my favorite Garlic Chicken Salad.
But more than anything, more than appreciating my Garlic Chicken Salad to an elevated level, I am so grateful for my new found perspective on food.
Take it slow, girlfriend. Nobody's gonna steal your food. Your food ain't running away. Just savor every bite and never will you suffer again.
I don't know if it's because my stomach's still pretty sensitive or I just have this idea that I need to be overprotective of my stomach after this incident but I can't imagine myself eating food the same way again. I've always had this notion that eating slowly helps my body in more ways than not, but I'd always find myself doing the opposite. Well, I don't breathe in my food the way some people do, but I certainly don't take my time. Food is just good, okay?! And I'm hungry most of the time, okay?!
Well, I just wanted to say that because it was a nasty 20 hours: throwing up what felt like was my insides, throwing up from just thinking about food, not being able to sleep because of the nausea, becoming bff's with my toilet.... I literally woke up late this morning (I don't know how I fell asleep) feeling...happy but in a more ethereal sense. Oh, and with sore abs and lower back. :)
I usually don't whine about this stuff, physical pain. But I'm just grateful to be alive. Again. And healthy.
{eSeul}
I'm pretty sure it was the Mexican Caesar Salad I had for lunch at Rutabegorz on Sunday.
It makes me regret that much more about not getting my favorite Garlic Chicken Salad.
But more than anything, more than appreciating my Garlic Chicken Salad to an elevated level, I am so grateful for my new found perspective on food.
Take it slow, girlfriend. Nobody's gonna steal your food. Your food ain't running away. Just savor every bite and never will you suffer again.
I don't know if it's because my stomach's still pretty sensitive or I just have this idea that I need to be overprotective of my stomach after this incident but I can't imagine myself eating food the same way again. I've always had this notion that eating slowly helps my body in more ways than not, but I'd always find myself doing the opposite. Well, I don't breathe in my food the way some people do, but I certainly don't take my time. Food is just good, okay?! And I'm hungry most of the time, okay?!
Well, I just wanted to say that because it was a nasty 20 hours: throwing up what felt like was my insides, throwing up from just thinking about food, not being able to sleep because of the nausea, becoming bff's with my toilet.... I literally woke up late this morning (I don't know how I fell asleep) feeling...happy but in a more ethereal sense. Oh, and with sore abs and lower back. :)
I usually don't whine about this stuff, physical pain. But I'm just grateful to be alive. Again. And healthy.
{eSeul}
Sunday, April 10, 2011
It's Just Me
This morning was a good reminder of what this blog is all about.
He is where I wish to dwell, and until I get there I wish for Him to dwell in me.
Everything that is inscribed in here, is all that is in between. My emotions, my thoughts both deep and completely meaningless, my hobbies, my this and that. And guess what, I just described life. But what's different about my view on life is that I consider it only a journey to a final destination, that destination for me being the place where I wish to be forever. More and more the world is unfolding to be a place that I do not wish to be a part of, but at the same time I also know I was created to be a part of something mind-blasting, so I'm keeping my eyes open and my soul as vulnerable as possible. And as I trek on, my highest pursuit is for the Holy Spirit to dwell in me.
Granted I don't want to commercialize this to the whole world because I made this blog mostly for myself. I guess this post is directed mostly to my current followers and me. But hey, if you're interested in what goes on in all the possible aspects of my life, I won't protest.
{eSeul}
He is where I wish to dwell, and until I get there I wish for Him to dwell in me.
Everything that is inscribed in here, is all that is in between. My emotions, my thoughts both deep and completely meaningless, my hobbies, my this and that. And guess what, I just described life. But what's different about my view on life is that I consider it only a journey to a final destination, that destination for me being the place where I wish to be forever. More and more the world is unfolding to be a place that I do not wish to be a part of, but at the same time I also know I was created to be a part of something mind-blasting, so I'm keeping my eyes open and my soul as vulnerable as possible. And as I trek on, my highest pursuit is for the Holy Spirit to dwell in me.
Granted I don't want to commercialize this to the whole world because I made this blog mostly for myself. I guess this post is directed mostly to my current followers and me. But hey, if you're interested in what goes on in all the possible aspects of my life, I won't protest.
{eSeul}
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Just Admit It
It's okay to say that you're not okay.
It's okay to tell Him that you're not okay.
It's okay to admit that you're angry and afraid.
Because it's really then that you realize that there has to be more to life.
And that is when you really begin to live.
{eSeul}
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I Want to Make Pretty Food
I hate baking with a passion, but this is next on my list!!
You should try it, too! Looks like fun...and easy! Even though it might look intimidating, and even if it doesn't come out right, it's good exercise for the brain! Did you know that cooking and baking stimulates the brain and heightens its activity?? Yay!
{eSeul}
You should try it, too! Looks like fun...and easy! Even though it might look intimidating, and even if it doesn't come out right, it's good exercise for the brain! Did you know that cooking and baking stimulates the brain and heightens its activity?? Yay!
{eSeul}
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
A New Habit
This more of a...habit that I purposely developed. I'm really making it a habit to eat like a lady. Being ladylike in the way I eat leads me to eat more slowly.
This causes me to reach fullness faster.
Thus resulting in consuming lesser portions of food.
It all makes sense, and it's really that easy. I guess that just means that I've always eaten like a pig.
{eSeul}
This causes me to reach fullness faster.
Thus resulting in consuming lesser portions of food.
It all makes sense, and it's really that easy. I guess that just means that I've always eaten like a pig.
{eSeul}
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Mastering Tender Chicken Breastesses!
Friends,
I can't tell you how many times I've cooked chicken breasts that came out.........nightmare-ishly dry.
Whenever I realized that I wouldn't be able to cook my chicken breast on a pan all the way through, I would cut it into pieces and finish cooking it.
After that failure, I started cooking my chicken breasts after butterflying them, because then they're thinner.
But recently, after graduating from college, I found a way to cook chicken breasts without overcooking them and without poking holes all throughout the chicken to check it's doneness.
No, you don't need a bone-in, skin-on chicken breast. Nor do you need a longer cooking time. You don't even need to use the oven.
Albeit, I'm no professional cook or chef. I'm also not a crazy experienced cook who is in the kitchen very hour of the day. This is just something I learned through my mistakes. If a professional were to read this and scoff at my "attempt" to give advice, oh well.
I don't know how often you cook chicken breasts over the stove, but I do it pretty often because I love to make salads with it for a healthy but incredibly filling meal. A moist and flavorful chicken breast on a bed of various fresh vegetables....yummy! I love my white meat! *Ahem* Please leave your dirty thoughts at the door.......actually I really don't mind them ;)
Oh, by the way, one cooking faux pas that many people never seem to realize: WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER HANDLING RAW CHICKEN!!!
And another, never cook frozen chicken!!! Make sure that it's been completely thawed IN THE REFRIGERATOR. It boggles my mind when people try to cook frozen meat in general.... I guess I gotta keep in mind also that not everyone watches the Food Network 24/7.
Okay anyways...so here's how it's done:
1. This step is pretty much common sense, but drizzle some oil (whatever kind you prefer) and melt a tablespoon of butter in the pan. I'm sure you can do without the butter. But I like the flavor.
2. Trim off any fat off the chicken breast. This is only because I cannot stand fat/skin on my chicken...only when it's cooked properly. Like...fried. HaH.
3. Pound the chicken with the back of your knife, just to work it up a teeny bit, not to flatten it.
4. Liberally salt and pepper both sides.
5. Cook one side over medium heat for about four minutes, and here's the trick: place a piece of aluminum foil over the pan while that side is cooking. This basically steams/slightly cooks the other side at the same time. Caution: Just gently place the foil over pan, don't be foolish and try to wrap it around the sides and burn your fingers off. Plus, you want some air traveling through so not too much water forms in the pan.
6. Flip the chicken and cook for another four to five minutes. Make a tiny slice to see if the chicken is cooked thoroughly, meaning very very very very little pink to no pink at all.
With this method, I was able to enjoy juicy chicken breast pieces tossed in my salad. So yummy!
Oh, and I actually ate half of a cabbage today and Googled its nutrients because I was scared that maybe I should calm down on my cabbage consumption. But I found out, that it's low in calories, great for weight-loss plans, and one of the top cancer fighting vegetables! So....eat on!!!
I'm really trying to eat healthy from now on. Granted...I did consume 1/3 of a tub of Mocha Cheesecake ice cream in the past two days -__-...but you know, a girl's gotta compensate for her once-a-month sufferings, if you know what I'm talking about. And! Today, I got more than enough of my vegetable servings so there! Half a cabbage, an entire carrot, 1/8 of an onion, and the protein of a chicken breast. I'm quite satisfied.
Let the healthy food excursions continue!
{eSeul}
I can't tell you how many times I've cooked chicken breasts that came out.........nightmare-ishly dry.
Whenever I realized that I wouldn't be able to cook my chicken breast on a pan all the way through, I would cut it into pieces and finish cooking it.
After that failure, I started cooking my chicken breasts after butterflying them, because then they're thinner.
But recently, after graduating from college, I found a way to cook chicken breasts without overcooking them and without poking holes all throughout the chicken to check it's doneness.
No, you don't need a bone-in, skin-on chicken breast. Nor do you need a longer cooking time. You don't even need to use the oven.
Albeit, I'm no professional cook or chef. I'm also not a crazy experienced cook who is in the kitchen very hour of the day. This is just something I learned through my mistakes. If a professional were to read this and scoff at my "attempt" to give advice, oh well.
I don't know how often you cook chicken breasts over the stove, but I do it pretty often because I love to make salads with it for a healthy but incredibly filling meal. A moist and flavorful chicken breast on a bed of various fresh vegetables....yummy! I love my white meat! *Ahem* Please leave your dirty thoughts at the door.......actually I really don't mind them ;)
Oh, by the way, one cooking faux pas that many people never seem to realize: WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER HANDLING RAW CHICKEN!!!
And another, never cook frozen chicken!!! Make sure that it's been completely thawed IN THE REFRIGERATOR. It boggles my mind when people try to cook frozen meat in general.... I guess I gotta keep in mind also that not everyone watches the Food Network 24/7.
Okay anyways...so here's how it's done:
1. This step is pretty much common sense, but drizzle some oil (whatever kind you prefer) and melt a tablespoon of butter in the pan. I'm sure you can do without the butter. But I like the flavor.
2. Trim off any fat off the chicken breast. This is only because I cannot stand fat/skin on my chicken...only when it's cooked properly. Like...fried. HaH.
3. Pound the chicken with the back of your knife, just to work it up a teeny bit, not to flatten it.
4. Liberally salt and pepper both sides.
5. Cook one side over medium heat for about four minutes, and here's the trick: place a piece of aluminum foil over the pan while that side is cooking. This basically steams/slightly cooks the other side at the same time. Caution: Just gently place the foil over pan, don't be foolish and try to wrap it around the sides and burn your fingers off. Plus, you want some air traveling through so not too much water forms in the pan.
6. Flip the chicken and cook for another four to five minutes. Make a tiny slice to see if the chicken is cooked thoroughly, meaning very very very very little pink to no pink at all.
With this method, I was able to enjoy juicy chicken breast pieces tossed in my salad. So yummy!
Oh, and I actually ate half of a cabbage today and Googled its nutrients because I was scared that maybe I should calm down on my cabbage consumption. But I found out, that it's low in calories, great for weight-loss plans, and one of the top cancer fighting vegetables! So....eat on!!!
I'm really trying to eat healthy from now on. Granted...I did consume 1/3 of a tub of Mocha Cheesecake ice cream in the past two days -__-...but you know, a girl's gotta compensate for her once-a-month sufferings, if you know what I'm talking about. And! Today, I got more than enough of my vegetable servings so there! Half a cabbage, an entire carrot, 1/8 of an onion, and the protein of a chicken breast. I'm quite satisfied.
Let the healthy food excursions continue!
{eSeul}
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Some Good Things About Summer
Today all of us Californians got a taste of summer. It was bright and sunny out with blue skies that made it appropriate for the flip flops to set free from the closet. I actually woke up this morning feeling groggy and unhappy about the warmth that lingered in the entire apartment. What's worse was walking out of the shower with misty sweat already forming on my skin. Instantly I thought, 'Ugh, it's that time of the year once again.' Throughout the morning I wondered why people loved summer so much. When I think of summer and hot weather I am only reminded of sticky skin, uncomfortable showers, laziness, and smaller clothing.
But throughout the day, I came to a realization that maybe...summer doesn't have to be so dreadful.
Moment #1
While I waited for some (special) people for lunch, I got to sit outside to pass the time. It was so beautiful. The slight breeze accompanied the warm sunlight perfectly. I'm sure, the heat will be much more intense than this as the days pass but at least I feel somewhat prepared.
Moment #2
Further into the day, I took an afternoon nap that reminded me of my summers growing up. Unlike most children, my summers weren't very eventful. Going swimming at the pool was probably the most excitement we got; my parents weren't all too adventurous nor were we affluent enough to take frequent/annual trips. Maybe that's why I tend to cherish the small things in life.
Anywho, while I crawled into bed, I instantly thought of the summer nights when the entire family would sleep in our parents' room where the patio door was. We'd sleep all together on the floor (my parents didn't have a bed until we were in high school) with the patio door slightly open. It would be so warm that we would only need a blanket for our legs. Today, all I needed was something to cover my legs and I tearfully fell asleep.
Moment #3
There's something about the air in the summertime that's different too. The smell of the air is different from other seasons, the noise traveling through the air is different. As I sat watching a random Korean drama on TV (just to keep all my senses occupied) while putting on my makeup, I got a whiff of what our weekends at home looked/sound/smelled/etc. etc. etc. like growing up. We would all sit and/or lay around with the windows and doors open, watching Korean television shows together. Everything we did was very much surrounded around togetherness. We weren't the most close-knit family in terms of showing affection and discussing our lives together, but there was so much tradition in the most simplest things.
I miss it so much.
From the looks of it, I probably won't be spending summer in SoCal so (I can't believe I'm saying this) I hope to reminisce those times as much as I can.
{eSeul}
But throughout the day, I came to a realization that maybe...summer doesn't have to be so dreadful.
Moment #1
While I waited for some (special) people for lunch, I got to sit outside to pass the time. It was so beautiful. The slight breeze accompanied the warm sunlight perfectly. I'm sure, the heat will be much more intense than this as the days pass but at least I feel somewhat prepared.
Moment #2
Further into the day, I took an afternoon nap that reminded me of my summers growing up. Unlike most children, my summers weren't very eventful. Going swimming at the pool was probably the most excitement we got; my parents weren't all too adventurous nor were we affluent enough to take frequent/annual trips. Maybe that's why I tend to cherish the small things in life.
Anywho, while I crawled into bed, I instantly thought of the summer nights when the entire family would sleep in our parents' room where the patio door was. We'd sleep all together on the floor (my parents didn't have a bed until we were in high school) with the patio door slightly open. It would be so warm that we would only need a blanket for our legs. Today, all I needed was something to cover my legs and I tearfully fell asleep.
Moment #3
There's something about the air in the summertime that's different too. The smell of the air is different from other seasons, the noise traveling through the air is different. As I sat watching a random Korean drama on TV (just to keep all my senses occupied) while putting on my makeup, I got a whiff of what our weekends at home looked/sound/smelled/etc. etc. etc. like growing up. We would all sit and/or lay around with the windows and doors open, watching Korean television shows together. Everything we did was very much surrounded around togetherness. We weren't the most close-knit family in terms of showing affection and discussing our lives together, but there was so much tradition in the most simplest things.
I miss it so much.
From the looks of it, I probably won't be spending summer in SoCal so (I can't believe I'm saying this) I hope to reminisce those times as much as I can.
{eSeul}
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Is It Just Me?
Here's something that has recently been added to my "Someone Help Me to Understand" list:
Why do people take pictures with their food?
Okay yea, truth be told, I have done it quite a few times myself but most of the time as a victim. I don't recall ever asking a friend, "Hey, can you take a picture of me with my food?"
I mean...it's okay to take pictures of your food. I did it all the time (when I once had a camera); much more often than not food is a form of art , something created especially for you that you want to capture before it disappears. But why the need to hold up the plate(s) as if to...okay I really don't know how to finish this sentence because I honestly don't know why you need to take a picture with your food! I think it's really just the act of holding up your food or awkwardly touching the plate as if to display it that I find perplexing. I'd find nothing wrong with you and your food in a picture together if there wasn't any act of display.
Am I just the weird one for being weirded out by this??
So, if you, reader, find yourself doing this please help me to understand. Even if you don't do this but think you know the reason(s) why, again, help me to understand.
And, as a disclaimer, I'm not saying that something's wrong with you for doing this. I just want to know the answer to the question. You know, it's the same thing as wondering why some people don't like raw onions; it's just a personal taste that I'm trying to understand. :)
{eSeul}
Why do people take pictures with their food?
Okay yea, truth be told, I have done it quite a few times myself but most of the time as a victim. I don't recall ever asking a friend, "Hey, can you take a picture of me with my food?"
I mean...it's okay to take pictures of your food. I did it all the time (when I once had a camera); much more often than not food is a form of art , something created especially for you that you want to capture before it disappears. But why the need to hold up the plate(s) as if to...okay I really don't know how to finish this sentence because I honestly don't know why you need to take a picture with your food! I think it's really just the act of holding up your food or awkwardly touching the plate as if to display it that I find perplexing. I'd find nothing wrong with you and your food in a picture together if there wasn't any act of display.
Am I just the weird one for being weirded out by this??
So, if you, reader, find yourself doing this please help me to understand. Even if you don't do this but think you know the reason(s) why, again, help me to understand.
And, as a disclaimer, I'm not saying that something's wrong with you for doing this. I just want to know the answer to the question. You know, it's the same thing as wondering why some people don't like raw onions; it's just a personal taste that I'm trying to understand. :)
{eSeul}
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Finding Peace
A few months ago, I had this random realization, an epiphany as most people would call it. I don't know where it came from, but I've embraced it to it's fullest capacity.
It's a sad reality, the unexpected loss of a father.
It sucks that he wasn't at my graduation, it sucks that he won't be at my wedding. It sucks that he won't be there when his grandchildren enter the world, who probably would be his prized possessions. It sucks that he won't be at my restaurants' grand opening, with a beaming face that exhibits immeasurable pride. And most of all, it sucks that I won't ever feel his embrace again, if I even remember what it's like to be in it.
But, loss is a part of life; everyone will experience it sometime during their lifetime. I just experienced it a tad bit earlier than a lot of people around me. And it's heartbreaking, but it makes me that much more aware of the incomparable pain that exists in the rest of the world.
The only concern I have now is, what can I do to be in the pain, not just my own, but the pain of others? Am I willing to dwell in that? How brave am I, and do I have enough in me to bear it? And...am I willing to relive it all over again with the reopening of wounds but without the anger I then had towards God? Would I be able to be there with a joyful heart?
He's been giving me more and more peace. But I still have a long way to go.
But at least I'm going somewhere, and that somewhere from this point of view, looks pretty alive.
{eSeul}
It's a sad reality, the unexpected loss of a father.
It sucks that he wasn't at my graduation, it sucks that he won't be at my wedding. It sucks that he won't be there when his grandchildren enter the world, who probably would be his prized possessions. It sucks that he won't be at my restaurants' grand opening, with a beaming face that exhibits immeasurable pride. And most of all, it sucks that I won't ever feel his embrace again, if I even remember what it's like to be in it.
But, loss is a part of life; everyone will experience it sometime during their lifetime. I just experienced it a tad bit earlier than a lot of people around me. And it's heartbreaking, but it makes me that much more aware of the incomparable pain that exists in the rest of the world.
The only concern I have now is, what can I do to be in the pain, not just my own, but the pain of others? Am I willing to dwell in that? How brave am I, and do I have enough in me to bear it? And...am I willing to relive it all over again with the reopening of wounds but without the anger I then had towards God? Would I be able to be there with a joyful heart?
He's been giving me more and more peace. But I still have a long way to go.
But at least I'm going somewhere, and that somewhere from this point of view, looks pretty alive.
{eSeul}
Some Things Are Just Simply Meant To Be
Today I walked into Bristol Farms (the grocery store next to where I work) in hopes to take home some Indian curry. They didn't have any :(.
But...on the way out I saw my favorite tulips in the most beautiful pink, like a baby powder pink. So I had to buy them. It was totally meant to be! They are now sitting in a vase that a loving friend gave me many Christmases ago.
I love flowers...love enjoying them in their simplicity. Although many people see them as a waste of money because of their short lifespan, I think the beauty they add to your day for that short while is worth every penny.
Well, on a side note, I need to teach myself how to make Indian curry so I can have it whenever I want. Maybe you can be a guinea pig for me sometime. :)
{eSeul}
But...on the way out I saw my favorite tulips in the most beautiful pink, like a baby powder pink. So I had to buy them. It was totally meant to be! They are now sitting in a vase that a loving friend gave me many Christmases ago.
I love flowers...love enjoying them in their simplicity. Although many people see them as a waste of money because of their short lifespan, I think the beauty they add to your day for that short while is worth every penny.
Well, on a side note, I need to teach myself how to make Indian curry so I can have it whenever I want. Maybe you can be a guinea pig for me sometime. :)
{eSeul}
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Gotta Do This.
.
He won't let me out of His sight.
And His hands.
I'm slowly learning the reason why it's still so hard for me to declare my trust in Him. He wants me to know, but I can't understand.
This is how I know that He is real.
{eSeul}
He won't let me out of His sight.
And His hands.
I'm slowly learning the reason why it's still so hard for me to declare my trust in Him. He wants me to know, but I can't understand.
This is how I know that He is real.
{eSeul}
Friday, March 11, 2011
Another Dream
.
A few days ago during a nap, I had a dream that my entire family was making a trip to Korea. We had with us all our luggage and were in the airport. It was nighttime so it was dark, and it was sort of eery because it seemed like the airport was almost deserted. I don't remember seeing anyone else but ourselves.
What's special about this dream?
My family...as a whole we've never been on a trip before. The only time we took a trip with light luggage was to Vegas when we were very young. Other than that, we've never taken a plane trip altogether, nor have we gone to Korea. It's weird that our destination was Korea, too, since I'm making plans to move there, something I've been wanting to do since high school. Am I really that close?
Another special thing. My dad was there with us. I remember feeling absolutely no confusion, and it was just a peaceful, serene, most comfortable feeling and environment.
I want more of these dreams. A part of me wishes that I was confused in the dream so I could've touched him again and showered him with kisses and happy tears.
And although I haven't recorded them, I've been having dreams every time I slept. Am I really that tired? But from what?
But the question I want to ask last is, what will I dream of tonight?
{eSeul}
A few days ago during a nap, I had a dream that my entire family was making a trip to Korea. We had with us all our luggage and were in the airport. It was nighttime so it was dark, and it was sort of eery because it seemed like the airport was almost deserted. I don't remember seeing anyone else but ourselves.
What's special about this dream?
My family...as a whole we've never been on a trip before. The only time we took a trip with light luggage was to Vegas when we were very young. Other than that, we've never taken a plane trip altogether, nor have we gone to Korea. It's weird that our destination was Korea, too, since I'm making plans to move there, something I've been wanting to do since high school. Am I really that close?
Another special thing. My dad was there with us. I remember feeling absolutely no confusion, and it was just a peaceful, serene, most comfortable feeling and environment.
I want more of these dreams. A part of me wishes that I was confused in the dream so I could've touched him again and showered him with kisses and happy tears.
And although I haven't recorded them, I've been having dreams every time I slept. Am I really that tired? But from what?
But the question I want to ask last is, what will I dream of tonight?
{eSeul}
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Dream Recording
.
I've been having really weird, vivid dreams the past few consecutive nights. I've forgotten most of them, only remembering how strange they were. But I should start recording them.
Last night, it's hard to recollect most of it, but one scene is hard to erase. I had a dream about talking sea mammals; I think two of them were a dolphin and a shark, but for sure one of them was a huge whale. Not only was it huge, but it also had flying abilities. It actually flew while one of my friends was hanging onto its tail fin. The dolphin and shark and I were discussing how much bigger the whale needed to be in order for the flight to be more successful (?). So weird.
Well that's about it.
P.S. I have a lot to write about what the past month has looked for me, but I am not quite in the pensive mood. Let me just jot down some important themes: fear, truth, and confidence.
{eSeul}
I've been having really weird, vivid dreams the past few consecutive nights. I've forgotten most of them, only remembering how strange they were. But I should start recording them.
Last night, it's hard to recollect most of it, but one scene is hard to erase. I had a dream about talking sea mammals; I think two of them were a dolphin and a shark, but for sure one of them was a huge whale. Not only was it huge, but it also had flying abilities. It actually flew while one of my friends was hanging onto its tail fin. The dolphin and shark and I were discussing how much bigger the whale needed to be in order for the flight to be more successful (?). So weird.
Well that's about it.
P.S. I have a lot to write about what the past month has looked for me, but I am not quite in the pensive mood. Let me just jot down some important themes: fear, truth, and confidence.
{eSeul}
Sunday, February 13, 2011
It's Been a While
.
Today, I sat on a chair for four hours straight, reading a book.
I don't know how long it's been since I've done that. I feel good.
I feel accomplished.
{eSeul}
Today, I sat on a chair for four hours straight, reading a book.
I don't know how long it's been since I've done that. I feel good.
I feel accomplished.
{eSeul}
Saturday, February 5, 2011
안녕.
.
난 어제부러 한 한달 동안 잠수 타기로했다.
친구들도 안 만나고, 교회도 안 가고....
It might sound depressing but it's something that had to be done a while back, but apparently right now is the best time for me to do so. I believe in His timing.
Isn't it so interesting, how a 23-second-long conversation and/or incident can completely change one's mind/perspective? I don't know why but I feel so at peace with my decision to disappear for a little bit, when just last month I definitely wouldn't have felt the same.
Well anyways....
I stumbled upon this music video and although I'm generally horrified of clowns, this video is so hauntingly beautiful that I don't mind the clowns at all.
Enjoy.
{eSeul}
난 어제부러 한 한달 동안 잠수 타기로했다.
친구들도 안 만나고, 교회도 안 가고....
It might sound depressing but it's something that had to be done a while back, but apparently right now is the best time for me to do so. I believe in His timing.
Isn't it so interesting, how a 23-second-long conversation and/or incident can completely change one's mind/perspective? I don't know why but I feel so at peace with my decision to disappear for a little bit, when just last month I definitely wouldn't have felt the same.
Well anyways....
I stumbled upon this music video and although I'm generally horrified of clowns, this video is so hauntingly beautiful that I don't mind the clowns at all.
Enjoy.
{eSeul}
Monday, January 31, 2011
Treat My Body Good
Today I was on the elliptical for a mere 20 minutes (with a 2 minute cool-down) which came out to be an equivalence of 1.6 miles and I....am.....pooped.
I wish to be in bed.
A nap after a workout.
Sick.
Anyways...I really need to treat my body better. I always thought that it was okay for me to skip working out because I'm on my feet for 95% of my shifts at work almost every day. But lately, I've been noticing that my body doesn't function the way it used to. I'm tired more, cranky more (this bit could be the result of other factors though), and strange things have been happening to my body. One time, I had a stomach ache unlike any other stomach ache I've had that lasted 3 days straight without rest. My poos haven't been very regular. My limbs have been falling asleep more often than before. Something's up right?!
Well...so it begins. My body doesn't deserve this. It deserves to be taken care of.
IT'S SEXY TIME! :D :/ -__- o.O
{eSeul}
I wish to be in bed.
A nap after a workout.
Sick.
Anyways...I really need to treat my body better. I always thought that it was okay for me to skip working out because I'm on my feet for 95% of my shifts at work almost every day. But lately, I've been noticing that my body doesn't function the way it used to. I'm tired more, cranky more (this bit could be the result of other factors though), and strange things have been happening to my body. One time, I had a stomach ache unlike any other stomach ache I've had that lasted 3 days straight without rest. My poos haven't been very regular. My limbs have been falling asleep more often than before. Something's up right?!
Well...so it begins. My body doesn't deserve this. It deserves to be taken care of.
IT'S SEXY TIME! :D :/ -__- o.O
{eSeul}
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Torn
.
Occasionally I find myself in a moment of disparity with the desire for happiness.
Like many people, sometimes I just wish I can be....happy. For once.
But more often than not, I'll wonder if I even deserve to be happy.
No, I'm not a criminal.
Neither am I betrayer.
But I'm not a joy giver either.
I feel torn.
Have you felt this way before?
{eSeul}
Occasionally I find myself in a moment of disparity with the desire for happiness.
Like many people, sometimes I just wish I can be....happy. For once.
But more often than not, I'll wonder if I even deserve to be happy.
No, I'm not a criminal.
Neither am I betrayer.
But I'm not a joy giver either.
I feel torn.
Have you felt this way before?
{eSeul}
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Au Revoir, Hiver
.
I am utterly heartbroken to say goodbye to winter.
Come the warm air and bright, bright sunshine and all I can do is feel dreadful.
Here are several reasons why I do not love summer:
1. You can only take off so much clothing.
2. As sandals become a part of your daily ensemble, you have to care about painting your toenails. Painting your fingernails is already a task in itself.
3. Sweat. I hate sweat. Especially when it appears after little to no physical activity.
4. You have to shave more often. Whatever girl, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
5. Physical affection (I love hugs) becomes less desirable.
6. It's a terrifying thing, entering a car that had been parked outdoors for even less than half an hour.
7. Everyone smells a little more than they usually do.
8. Laundry needs to be done more often.
9. Sleep isn't so comfortable when your skin is touching a surface of any kind. It's these times that I wish I could float.
I want the clouds back. I want the rain back. I want to cozy up. :(
{eSeul}
I am utterly heartbroken to say goodbye to winter.
Come the warm air and bright, bright sunshine and all I can do is feel dreadful.
Here are several reasons why I do not love summer:
1. You can only take off so much clothing.
2. As sandals become a part of your daily ensemble, you have to care about painting your toenails. Painting your fingernails is already a task in itself.
3. Sweat. I hate sweat. Especially when it appears after little to no physical activity.
4. You have to shave more often. Whatever girl, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
5. Physical affection (I love hugs) becomes less desirable.
6. It's a terrifying thing, entering a car that had been parked outdoors for even less than half an hour.
7. Everyone smells a little more than they usually do.
8. Laundry needs to be done more often.
9. Sleep isn't so comfortable when your skin is touching a surface of any kind. It's these times that I wish I could float.
I want the clouds back. I want the rain back. I want to cozy up. :(
{eSeul}
Monday, January 3, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)