아빠

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*WARNING: Heavy thoughts ahead....*


At work I'm usually caught up preparing things before classes start but today I had an unusual amount of free time, which was perfect because I got go make some phonecalls to my relatives before heading down to see them tomorrow. Which reminds me..I should be in bed for the trip ahead...anyways.

I finally got to talk to my 큰엄마 (keun-umma, oldest aunt on my dad's side, so my dad's oldest brother's wife) and the things she said brought up a lot of feelings that I wanted to forget.

You know when people pass...most of the time we want to remember the good memories and cherish who that person was? Well for me...it's hard for me to smile and reminisce about the good times because even those times make me sad. The fact that I can't have them anymore, and I mostly think about what could've been.

My aunt said my dad was unlucky. My sister and I are finally grown up and ready to lift my parents' burdens but he left just before life for him would get better. What she basically said was that he raised us well but he's so unlucky to not be able to receive the fruits of his labor. Of course she didn't mean that in a bad way, and I totally agree.... My heart aches whenever I think about him and all that he never got to have. Being at Korea makes it harder because he always wanted to come here. But never, not once since he left Korea 20 years ago did he allow himself to come back, even for a visit.... Everything I eat, everything I see I want to share with him but I can't.

The other night I had a dream with him in it. It was strange. We were back at our old apartment and were holding serious meetings, meetings to prepare and plan for some kind of battle. Yes, a war-like battle. The climax of the dream was me "recruiting" several young guys from discreet, factory-like buildings down the street. I brought them to our apartment very eagerly and fed them well while my dad explained our plan. I don't remember much about the conversations, but I remember the seriousness, the intensity yet the coziness of that moment. And even though I only mostly saw the back and side views of my dad, I felt so secure.

And today it hit me.... I can only see him in my dreams, even those being very few. It's these times when I ask questions that I know will always remain unanswered but I keep asking them.
Why did he have to go?
Why at this time when things were starting to turn up?
Why did he go without ever experiencing pure freedom and joy?

I feel even further away from joy. I still wish this was all just a bad dream....




{eSeul}