I love playing.
I love going out, hanging out with people, grabbing a few drinks and eating good food...but definitely not as much as most people.
I actually prefer to be alone a lot of times. Not just physically, but also in dealing with my issues and stressing out like crazy.
Recently, I found myself in an unfamiliar situation. I think...I'm not sure what it exactly was...but I didn't want to be alone. I began to compare my life here with those of my friends who were able to be here together. I began to feel envious of their comfort in always having people to be with whenever they wanted to. I wished I had been able to be here when they were here.
And then I thought about everything I experienced back at home when they were here, all the people I formed relationships with. Would I still want it if it meant giving up my experience as a barista? Would I still want it if it meant giving up all the people I met along the way? Would it be worth it if it meant giving up taking my relationship with God to a whole new level?
Today I realized, that this truly is God's timing. I didn't really let that idea sink in because it sounded so cliche and I probably would've been fine and dandy if everything did work out that way. But...I know I'm here at this time for more than just playing and hanging out. I mean, not to say that that's all my friends did when they were here. I know each of them met God in a new way and grew spiritually (which I can't deny would've happened with me), but you get my drift. But I feel that God brought me here at this particular season of my life because He knows that I've reached a new level of understanding of who He is. He knows what I'm really searching for.
I feel so much more encouraged to embrace my life here, today, right here, right now. From being with me, you might know how much I've been wondering what God has prepared for me. You might know how strongly I feel that He's been preparing me for something.
I'm glad that things are being put back into perspective.
{eSeul}
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
And so it Begins...
Warning...this is not a happy post LOL.
The waterworks began last night.
I made a phone call to my mom because I wanted to hear her voice.
She updated me on her moving plans. At first I felt that she had to move out urgently because our rent was going up. But when she mentioned that she wanted to stay there, I felt strangely comforted. It's not what I had wanted because I wanted to save money as a family, but knowing that she will be less burdened makes me relieved.
Other than that...I could tell it was hard for her to hide her true emotions. She didn't want to tell me what was wrong but I got her to eventually tell me what she was feeling.
My absence is too great. She didn't expect my physical absence to be so overwhelming. All I've done while living with her was discourage her and create a negative environment but she misses me.
Nothing makes me more upset than that. I knew she would feel this way. Lonely. Just imagining her going to bed alone makes me so...so..sad.
I wish she was here with me. I wish I had talked her and pressured her into moving here with me.
And, last week I talked to one of my dad's sisters (my aunt) over the phone. She started crying from hearing my voice. This completely reflects...all the feelings that will resurface. My healing begins all over again here. Tears upon tears, painful memories upon memories. I need to muster up all the courage I have from this point on.
Sigh...well anyway...that was depressing. Sorry! Haha. Hope this passes, and I'll feel less and less homesick.
{eSeul}
The waterworks began last night.
I made a phone call to my mom because I wanted to hear her voice.
She updated me on her moving plans. At first I felt that she had to move out urgently because our rent was going up. But when she mentioned that she wanted to stay there, I felt strangely comforted. It's not what I had wanted because I wanted to save money as a family, but knowing that she will be less burdened makes me relieved.
Other than that...I could tell it was hard for her to hide her true emotions. She didn't want to tell me what was wrong but I got her to eventually tell me what she was feeling.
My absence is too great. She didn't expect my physical absence to be so overwhelming. All I've done while living with her was discourage her and create a negative environment but she misses me.
Nothing makes me more upset than that. I knew she would feel this way. Lonely. Just imagining her going to bed alone makes me so...so..sad.
I wish she was here with me. I wish I had talked her and pressured her into moving here with me.
And, last week I talked to one of my dad's sisters (my aunt) over the phone. She started crying from hearing my voice. This completely reflects...all the feelings that will resurface. My healing begins all over again here. Tears upon tears, painful memories upon memories. I need to muster up all the courage I have from this point on.
Sigh...well anyway...that was depressing. Sorry! Haha. Hope this passes, and I'll feel less and less homesick.
{eSeul}
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The First of Many
어제...쫌 많이 슬펐다.
어떻게든 빨리 엄마를 모셔야하겠다는 생각에.
엄만 우릴 위해 너무 많이 희생을 하며...
부모님과 제대로 생활 못 해 보시고...
테레비를 보는데, 어느 집 딸과 그의 어머니와 가족분들이 공항에서 이별을하는 모습을보며
정말 펑펑 울었다.
엄마가 나와 동생을 데리고 한국을 떠나시면서 얼마나 마음이 아프셨을까...
엄마가 외할머니랑 외할아버지와 해어지면서 얼마나 울으셨을까...
얼마나 한국에 대한 모든것이 그리우셨을까...
생각만해도 마음이 아프다.
그동안 엄마를 몰래 위로못해줬다는 게 정말 후회스럽기만 하다.
엄마 빨리 일 그만 두시고 편하게 지내셨으면...난 정말 더 이상 원하는 게 없을것 같다.
{eSeul
어떻게든 빨리 엄마를 모셔야하겠다는 생각에.
엄만 우릴 위해 너무 많이 희생을 하며...
부모님과 제대로 생활 못 해 보시고...
테레비를 보는데, 어느 집 딸과 그의 어머니와 가족분들이 공항에서 이별을하는 모습을보며
정말 펑펑 울었다.
엄마가 나와 동생을 데리고 한국을 떠나시면서 얼마나 마음이 아프셨을까...
엄마가 외할머니랑 외할아버지와 해어지면서 얼마나 울으셨을까...
얼마나 한국에 대한 모든것이 그리우셨을까...
생각만해도 마음이 아프다.
그동안 엄마를 몰래 위로못해줬다는 게 정말 후회스럽기만 하다.
엄마 빨리 일 그만 두시고 편하게 지내셨으면...난 정말 더 이상 원하는 게 없을것 같다.
{eSeul
Friday, June 10, 2011
Am I Really in Korea?
I still find myself asking this question:
"Wait..I'm in Korea..?"
I know that I'm in a completely new environment because there is a pretty high level of discomfort, but at the same time I almost feel like I never left home. Many many times I can't differentiate my surroundings with Koreatown in Los Angeles, but there are definitely reminders that I am definitely no longer in America.
Well..apart from that, let me tell you about my first night out in Korea.
The night began at around 11pm, after we left the hakwon and arrived in the downtown area of Ilsan, the city I live in. It's not a long distance at all nor did we end work that late, but you have to consider the time of decision-making on where to eat and all that.
Our first stop was a barbecue place where we were able to enjoy some bomb grilled pork belly with the works (lettuce wraps, grilled kimchi, rice cake sheets, shredded green onion salad, BEER+SOJU, etc.), which was paid for by our head teacher.
Our next stop, a pretty Westernized bar that consisted of hard liquor (bourbon whiskey), dart games, drinking games, and loud loud music. This was paid for by a former head teacher who moved to headquarters.
The last stop, karaokeing. What's great about karaoke in Korea is that they continuously added 10 free minutes on top of our said one hour, which ended up to be almost an hour of free karaoke adding up to two hours.
This was also paid by the former head teacher.
It was long and tiring, but it was hard to keep track of time because 1. I was having fun and 2. I don't have any means of keeping track of time. At all.
I hope there will be more of these...LOL. Free food and free other things. But more than anything, occasions to get to know my co-teachers better.
Tomorrow, I will sleep in, replace some wacked out lightbulbs in my apartment, rearrange some furniture, and look for some good deals on couches. That is all for tonight.
{eSeul}
"Wait..I'm in Korea..?"
I know that I'm in a completely new environment because there is a pretty high level of discomfort, but at the same time I almost feel like I never left home. Many many times I can't differentiate my surroundings with Koreatown in Los Angeles, but there are definitely reminders that I am definitely no longer in America.
Well..apart from that, let me tell you about my first night out in Korea.
The night began at around 11pm, after we left the hakwon and arrived in the downtown area of Ilsan, the city I live in. It's not a long distance at all nor did we end work that late, but you have to consider the time of decision-making on where to eat and all that.
Our first stop was a barbecue place where we were able to enjoy some bomb grilled pork belly with the works (lettuce wraps, grilled kimchi, rice cake sheets, shredded green onion salad, BEER+SOJU, etc.), which was paid for by our head teacher.
Our next stop, a pretty Westernized bar that consisted of hard liquor (bourbon whiskey), dart games, drinking games, and loud loud music. This was paid for by a former head teacher who moved to headquarters.
The last stop, karaokeing. What's great about karaoke in Korea is that they continuously added 10 free minutes on top of our said one hour, which ended up to be almost an hour of free karaoke adding up to two hours.
This was also paid by the former head teacher.
It was long and tiring, but it was hard to keep track of time because 1. I was having fun and 2. I don't have any means of keeping track of time. At all.
I hope there will be more of these...LOL. Free food and free other things. But more than anything, occasions to get to know my co-teachers better.
Tomorrow, I will sleep in, replace some wacked out lightbulbs in my apartment, rearrange some furniture, and look for some good deals on couches. That is all for tonight.
{eSeul}
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Settling In
It's been so hard for me to settle into my humble apartment. Adjusting here has been fine, since I've already been pretty aware of what people are like in Korea, but of course there were a few shockers. But settling in....man it's much more difficult when you're a pretty particular person. I know that I don't have the financial stability to want all the things I want, but I don't think I'll feel at home until I get those things. Just a few are:
Curtains
More than just one set of bedsheets
A couch
Fabric to lay on my stairs that lead to my loft
Warm-lit light bulbs
A full-length mirror
At the same time, I'm asking myself...if I buy all these things, I'm only going to want to stay here another year, but am I really up for that? So much to consider...
But I think...it's best for me to just live in the now. Get everything I need to get if it means to create this place into a place of solace. If I end up leaving after my year is up, then fine, I'll just give away everything. If I end up staying, then it will probably be for good reasons.
Other than that...Korea's fine. Transportation, as I expected, is awesome. The convenience of having food when and where you want it, spectacular. The culture, can use some work. The people...I still need to get used to.
Aside from all of that, all I can and want to feel is anticipation. I really hope to let everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g seep into my eyes and ears and soak into my heart. This is truly just the beginning.
{eSeul}
Curtains
More than just one set of bedsheets
A couch
Fabric to lay on my stairs that lead to my loft
Warm-lit light bulbs
A full-length mirror
At the same time, I'm asking myself...if I buy all these things, I'm only going to want to stay here another year, but am I really up for that? So much to consider...
But I think...it's best for me to just live in the now. Get everything I need to get if it means to create this place into a place of solace. If I end up leaving after my year is up, then fine, I'll just give away everything. If I end up staying, then it will probably be for good reasons.
Other than that...Korea's fine. Transportation, as I expected, is awesome. The convenience of having food when and where you want it, spectacular. The culture, can use some work. The people...I still need to get used to.
Aside from all of that, all I can and want to feel is anticipation. I really hope to let everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g seep into my eyes and ears and soak into my heart. This is truly just the beginning.
{eSeul}
Friday, June 3, 2011
Dreaming for Dreams
It's approximately 3:30 in the morning here in Korea but I wanted to post this before going to bed....
Tonight I decided to give my aunt a phone call before leaving work while I had access to a phone and ended up talking to my cousin as well. And very unexpectedly, my cousin and I decided to meet up for some coffee. He picked me up from work and we walked for some time, looking for a coffee shop that was still open but quiet. We sat and talked for quite some time. Did I mention that I hadn't seen him since I was maybe 10-years-old??
Anyway...while we were chit-chatting, we saw a little girl who appeared to be no more than four-years-old wandering around the coffee shop while her mother watched her from her seat. And it was freaking midnight. Seriously, Korean children don't seem to have a bedtime.
This led to me talking to my cousin about how late Korean kids seem to go to bed, while in America, children have a bedtime of no later than 8pm. And he said something that of course I should've known beforehand: kids here have no choice especially since they're technically in school until at least 9pm. Hello Eseul...you teach until 10. So of course they don't have a bedtime. Well, I guess there are a good amount of American children who go to bed late, too, but I highly, highly doubt that it's by reason of school work. Probably video games. Or television.
But the point of all this is that kids here...their lives are practically run by school. Not by choice, but by the expectations set by their parents. The mothers at our academy are a whole lot more interested in the students' progress than the students themselves. They get incredibly upset when their child doesn't improve and progress to a higher class by the next semester. It's heartbreaking to know how much stress these kids must be enduring from all the scolding and pressure they get from their parents. And what does that result in? Suicides. Korea is known for its disturbingly high rate of suicides. But can you conceive elementary school and middle school aged children factoring into that number?
My cousin told me about a recent story of a child who could never meet his/her mother's academic expectation. After failing and failing to meet 95% and above, he/she finally achieved a perfect score on an exam. With his/her report was a note that read something along the lines of, "Is this good enough?" and that day jumped off a building.
What....what is going on??
It hurts.
Even more so, I want to help them to never stop dreaming. That's what kept me going. School really, really isn't everything (although I wouldn't say that to them). If anything, it's getting in their way of dreaming their innocent dreams. I can't change the way the parents here think. That's out of my control. But I hope I can somehow...lessen the burden of these children, some being my own students. Today I had this realization that teaching isn't all that bad. I'm actually enjoying it and my heart is becoming fuller by seeing how much influence, even if not much, I can have on these kids. I just hope and pray for opportunities to love on them.
Now I appreciate even more why my parents moved us to the States. They had mentioned that it wasn't just the opportunities out there, but the freedom in our education; we won't be bound by it as students in Korea are. So many things to process.....
{eSeul}
Tonight I decided to give my aunt a phone call before leaving work while I had access to a phone and ended up talking to my cousin as well. And very unexpectedly, my cousin and I decided to meet up for some coffee. He picked me up from work and we walked for some time, looking for a coffee shop that was still open but quiet. We sat and talked for quite some time. Did I mention that I hadn't seen him since I was maybe 10-years-old??
Anyway...while we were chit-chatting, we saw a little girl who appeared to be no more than four-years-old wandering around the coffee shop while her mother watched her from her seat. And it was freaking midnight. Seriously, Korean children don't seem to have a bedtime.
This led to me talking to my cousin about how late Korean kids seem to go to bed, while in America, children have a bedtime of no later than 8pm. And he said something that of course I should've known beforehand: kids here have no choice especially since they're technically in school until at least 9pm. Hello Eseul...you teach until 10. So of course they don't have a bedtime. Well, I guess there are a good amount of American children who go to bed late, too, but I highly, highly doubt that it's by reason of school work. Probably video games. Or television.
But the point of all this is that kids here...their lives are practically run by school. Not by choice, but by the expectations set by their parents. The mothers at our academy are a whole lot more interested in the students' progress than the students themselves. They get incredibly upset when their child doesn't improve and progress to a higher class by the next semester. It's heartbreaking to know how much stress these kids must be enduring from all the scolding and pressure they get from their parents. And what does that result in? Suicides. Korea is known for its disturbingly high rate of suicides. But can you conceive elementary school and middle school aged children factoring into that number?
My cousin told me about a recent story of a child who could never meet his/her mother's academic expectation. After failing and failing to meet 95% and above, he/she finally achieved a perfect score on an exam. With his/her report was a note that read something along the lines of, "Is this good enough?" and that day jumped off a building.
What....what is going on??
It hurts.
Even more so, I want to help them to never stop dreaming. That's what kept me going. School really, really isn't everything (although I wouldn't say that to them). If anything, it's getting in their way of dreaming their innocent dreams. I can't change the way the parents here think. That's out of my control. But I hope I can somehow...lessen the burden of these children, some being my own students. Today I had this realization that teaching isn't all that bad. I'm actually enjoying it and my heart is becoming fuller by seeing how much influence, even if not much, I can have on these kids. I just hope and pray for opportunities to love on them.
Now I appreciate even more why my parents moved us to the States. They had mentioned that it wasn't just the opportunities out there, but the freedom in our education; we won't be bound by it as students in Korea are. So many things to process.....
{eSeul}
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Less that a Week
Today marks my fourth day in Korea and my second day of teaching. The more I think about it, the more it's hitting me that I'm actually...really a teacher.
I really really hope that I can enhance my students' lives, not just their English. Dude, improving their English in itself would be considered an amazing accomplishment. But honestly, honestly...I think the child's well-being is much more important.
Anyway...
I've had quite a few interesting moments here so far, a few having to do with some people at work. There is the VP of our branch, whose been looking out for my best interest in several ways. On my second day of training, he called my downstairs to have a talk with him. He asked how I was, and then asked if I had eaten yet. I said no, and he offered to buy me a meal. I kindly rejected because I had a huge headache at that time and whenever I eat with a headache, I can be found embracing the toilet later on in the day. He mainly helped me feel so much more comfortable with my fears of feeling lost. As I left he said he just wanted to buy me food, but glad that he got to see that I'm doing well. Later my co-workers said that he has never offered to buy food for anyone.
Then today, I was heading over to a co-worker's apartment to pick up some stuff he didn't need because he moved out. When I got there and was about to open the door, the VP walks out! Awkward.................... He was there because he's moving in there soon. So he helped me grab the stuff I wanted (a small table, a rice cooker, a heating fan, and a frying pan...score!!) and walked me home...so glad that I lived just one building over. He never ceases to tell me to let him know if I ever need anything. Just to put it out there, from the exterior this man looks like he's been through some trouble...so it feels weird sometimes to be treated so nicely by him.
There's this other person, one of the chief administrators of the academy. He helped me move in and find my way to the academy. He's said things like, "When are you going to buy me a beer?" "Am I supposed to buy it for you?" "We have to go on a date to get your alien card" "I was going to take you to my church on Sunday." For me, I just took it as casual joking. When I told my co-workers that he wants to escort me to get my alien card on a Saturday, they said in a laughing matter that I have to be careful because he's never done that with any other teacher. So today, before leaving work, I took my docs from his drawer and I'm going to go alone tomorrow. LOL
What is going on with all this special treatment?? Should I be scared, or grateful?
But with my personality...I don't take these matters very seriously. Only until it becomes a real problem. Right now, I just consider these to be blessings.
P.S. A couple of the girls in one of my classes were whispering to themselves that they think I'm pretty..........PUHAHA A+ for them!
{eSeul}
I really really hope that I can enhance my students' lives, not just their English. Dude, improving their English in itself would be considered an amazing accomplishment. But honestly, honestly...I think the child's well-being is much more important.
Anyway...
I've had quite a few interesting moments here so far, a few having to do with some people at work. There is the VP of our branch, whose been looking out for my best interest in several ways. On my second day of training, he called my downstairs to have a talk with him. He asked how I was, and then asked if I had eaten yet. I said no, and he offered to buy me a meal. I kindly rejected because I had a huge headache at that time and whenever I eat with a headache, I can be found embracing the toilet later on in the day. He mainly helped me feel so much more comfortable with my fears of feeling lost. As I left he said he just wanted to buy me food, but glad that he got to see that I'm doing well. Later my co-workers said that he has never offered to buy food for anyone.
Then today, I was heading over to a co-worker's apartment to pick up some stuff he didn't need because he moved out. When I got there and was about to open the door, the VP walks out! Awkward.................... He was there because he's moving in there soon. So he helped me grab the stuff I wanted (a small table, a rice cooker, a heating fan, and a frying pan...score!!) and walked me home...so glad that I lived just one building over. He never ceases to tell me to let him know if I ever need anything. Just to put it out there, from the exterior this man looks like he's been through some trouble...so it feels weird sometimes to be treated so nicely by him.
There's this other person, one of the chief administrators of the academy. He helped me move in and find my way to the academy. He's said things like, "When are you going to buy me a beer?" "Am I supposed to buy it for you?" "We have to go on a date to get your alien card" "I was going to take you to my church on Sunday." For me, I just took it as casual joking. When I told my co-workers that he wants to escort me to get my alien card on a Saturday, they said in a laughing matter that I have to be careful because he's never done that with any other teacher. So today, before leaving work, I took my docs from his drawer and I'm going to go alone tomorrow. LOL
What is going on with all this special treatment?? Should I be scared, or grateful?
But with my personality...I don't take these matters very seriously. Only until it becomes a real problem. Right now, I just consider these to be blessings.
P.S. A couple of the girls in one of my classes were whispering to themselves that they think I'm pretty..........PUHAHA A+ for them!
{eSeul}
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)