.

She puts on a pair of gray slacks.
Today a black cami will do.
A black, pin-stripe blouse snuggles her chest as she buttons it down.
Her feet slip into a pair of black heels.
And she's out the door with her purse in her hand.

Papers.
Phones ringing.
Keyboards singing in harmony.
Patience.
Keep your voice chirpy.

The co-workers love her as they chit-chat over lunch.

The next four hours fly by.
She hurries home to greet her with a smile.
A big hug and then a change of clothes.
They smell like mild sweat and food in the oven.
Off to another shift.

She walks through the door with adrenaline rushing through her veins as she clocks in.
Or is it dread?
The next five hours are non-stop on-the-feet, talking-over-other-voices, and hot plates in her hands.
At least there's ample change in her pocket.

Weeks go by and then....
Her bank account has been fed.

She smiles.
The shoes at the front door only belong to her and her.
The once empty room left open for another roommate is hers.
The food in the refrigerator? All made by her and bought by her.
No worries in bringing people over. They're her friends.
Old and new.
No more dreadful envelops filled with debt.
Just easy payments.
Easy peasy.
She's happy.
And so is she.
We can live like this.
We really can.



And that...is my fantasy at the moment.




{eSeul}

The devil knows what has been planned for me.
So he breaks me down.
He takes my thoughts into unlit places and into the miry clay.
My feet get stuck.
So I fall on my knees.
He laughs and watches as I'm helpless, as I weep.
He knows I'm getting nowhere and losing more and more hope.
Especially in knowing that God, the One he fears most, is gradually blurring from my head.
From my heart.
From my life.

But He only allows this to happen because He loves me.
He believes in me even thought I don't.
He has faith in me even though I don't.
Job 1:11-12.
He's willing to have His heart broken while I loathe...the breaking of my heart.
I don't have evidence of the bright future ahead. But I believe.
He has favor in me....
So I believe.
I believe in His promises.

Instead of letting him tie me down...
I'm going to try and break free.
Let this be a time that I find freedom and not dwell in my paralysis.

God please....




{eSeul}

WHEN WILL THIS ALL BE OVER

....


I just want to smile...and laugh without anything holding me back.

I don't understand...

.

I wish we can all just move on.
People say money doesn't bring happiness.
For me...in a sense...it does.

It will free me.
I think it will.




{eSeul}

Memories

.

Today I missed home. A lot.

But the unfortunate thing is...
I am at home.


p.s. I'm freaking hungry. Where's mah food at?!
p.p.s. I apologize for the drastic mood change. But I really am hungry.




{eSeul}

I'm Selfish

.
I'm selfish for wanting to do so many things, things that I think will make me happy.
Mostly for this thing called money.
But more than anything, I am selfish for wanting to be my own savior.
The more I've been trying and hoping to do that, the further I've been getting "there".
I'm learning to leave room for GOD to be my Savior. And slowly but surely, I'm getting somewhere.




{eSeul}

Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn

Please don't relate what I say with the song above...haha.

Do you ever get urges to...pack a small suitcase and live in a hotel for a few days? Just yourself?

I get this all the time...especially when I pass by a nice hotel.
I don't know...I just love staying at hotels, but definitely not for a long period of time. I don't know what it is. The big beds? Interesting bathrooms? Just...living in a room by yourself that isn't yours? I guess it's almost like...the feeling of being an actress, role-playing a life that you never thought you could live. There's diversity, a foreignness to each experience.

Not only that, but I truly enjoy my alone time. Especially when I have it in a place that I am not completely familiar with.

I have strange cravings. Some of them, such as this, that cannot be fulfilled.

But life is good! It is....

Hope you're enjoying this strange climate change...I actually couldn't stand the heat wave. I'm glad that the cool breeze came back to join us.



{eSeul}

Lost

.


I'm sure everyone's seen one.... A lost child pacing around frantically searching for his/her Mom, Dad, Grandma....

I don't ever remember getting lost. I was always a good child, sticking to my parents and grandparents with my sister's hand in mine. But when I see a lost child at Disneyland or a grocery store, the panic I feel within me is unspeakable. I can't imagine how a small child could bear the fear.

And 'lo and behold, at the "mature" age of 22, I am that lost child.
Every day I find myself searching. I know that He hasn't abandoned me. I'm sure my absence is heart wrenching for Him. But I'm not absent because I chose to be. I thought I was with Him all along. But He's nowhere to be seen. I'm searching, and searching, and crying. And I don't know where I'm supposed to go to find Him. I don't know how I lost Him in the first place.

All I can do is cry out, hoping that He'd hear me and come.

Usually, the child finds his/her guardian. Mom is normally just a few feet ahead, pushing a cart or a stroller, waving her hand behind her telling the child to keep up.

Perhaps He's right there, right ahead of me. But I'm just panicking. I guess I just really...really really want to see His hand, waving and open for mine to be enveloped in it. I just can't see. My tears are blinding me. My burden is blinding me.

I guess all I can do is keep searching and crying out. He'll hear me and fetch me.
I'm sure He will.





{eSeul}

Le Sigh

.


Yesterday I made a trip to Rose Hills and the timing couldn't have been better.

It was hot all day, clear skies with just a couple clouds but on the way there more clouds had appeared and the sun was shining through them, creating one of the most beautiful silver linings I've ever seen. And I wept.

As I neared the Rose Hills exit, a rainbow had appeared. It shined ever so brightly against the gray skies on the opposite side of town. And I continued to weep.

I drove over the hill towards the end of the memorial. I parked and walked up to him. I sat by him and wept hysterically. I'm sure if someone was nearby they would've thought that I was hanging over the edge of my life.

I hadn't missed him that much in a while. I hadn't cried that much in a while.

Once I was able to find my composure, I sat and looked at the full rainbow that was perfectly centered in my view. I looked behind me to see if anyone was around and saw that the sky was bright blue with golden clouds floating above the hill. And I smiled. It had to be God!

I sat there talking to my father and about how much I miss him and to my Father about how much I need Him.

I've been thinking about how much I've always gone with my "feeling". Rarely, if ever, have I felt like I did something because I knew God wanted me to, thus making me wonder if God really is...real.

But yesterday...the sky...and how beautifully everything was painted out, was God telling me that He indeed is real. Could you really say that nature made the clouds and sunlight and rainbow merry so well together to please our eyes?

Only God could make such things come together and become purposeful. Not just for the world to work scientifically but also so that we can appreciate the beauty of it all.

I can't help that all of this sounds cheesy. But I'm just trying to be real.

I have set my bow in the cloud,
and it shall be a sign of the covenant
between me and the earth.
When I bring clouds over the earth
and the bow is seen in the clouds,
I will remember my covenant that is between me and you
and every living creature of all flesh.
- Genesis 9:13-15




{eSeul}

Forgetful Me

.

I recently put in a request for a week off of work so that I can just take it easy and really focus on life. It started today and I'm supposed to be off until next Wednesday. But yesterday at work there was a posting about a girl at a different store needing someone to cover shifts for her. I saw that I was free on Monday and to do her a favor, I called her to let her know that I can cover her Monday shift. I realized later that I offered to work on a day that I requested off.

Sometimes I can be pretty stupid.




{eSeul}

2 MONTHS

Wow...I have neglected my blog for 2 whole months.

I'm terrible.

So many fleeting feelings have happened since my last post. But I feel like I haven't really gone anywhere. I'm still in the same place. But different.

I'm confusing you aren't I?

Well...I'm going to have to explain more later. It's too much information to jot down at this hour. This is just my attempt to feel less guilty about not writing in my blog as often as I should.

Goodnight!




{eSeul}

FEAR

.

I am fearful of so many things.
I'm fearful of getting a new piercing, even though I really want one.
I'm fearful of blood.
I'm fearful of insects.
I'm fearful of massages.
I'm fearful of tears.
I'm fearful of responsibility.
I'm fearful of pain.
I'm fearful of the present, past, and the future.
I'm fearful of my bank account.
I'm fearful of judgment.
I'm fearful of loss.
I'm fearful of going to Korea.
I'm fearful of not going to Korea.
I'm fearful of facing reality.
I'm fearful of misunderstanding reality.

But I am forced to face these fears.
Each and every one of them, as it has been for the past year or so.

What's comforting though is that He stands by me as I do so, and tells me that He is pleased, that there is something waiting for me. He has something prepared for me.

Where will You take me next?
Did I mention that I'm also fearful of the unknown?

Meh. Thus is life.




{eSeul}

보이나요?
나무에 춤추듯 걸려있는 잎사이로 퍼지는 햇빛.
머릿속에 그려진 사랑의 이야기.
하늘에 붓질 된 화가의 행복.
찢어진 마음속에 세겨진 나의 존제감...
들리나요?
하나, 둘, 셋을 따르는 멜로디.
물과 물의 만남과 치열.
사랑과 삶을 찾아 헤매는 날갯질.
당신 곁에서 소리없이 슬피우는 나...
향은 나나요?
부엌에서 힘없이, 열심히 움직이는 엄마의 손.
까페에서 사람들의 끝없는 대화.
밤바다에서 나누는 친구들과 기타의 시간.
뜯어진 잔디에서 당신옆에 앉아있는 나...
느껴봐요...
머릿결 사이로 조심스레 움직이며 당신을 감싸안는 나의 바람.
걱정, 비웃음, 어두움속의 목소리로 체워지는 나의 자리.
당신이 버린 심장을 조심스레 들고있는 나의 손...
나의 아픔...
나의 사랑...
나의 모든 것.
잊지말아요.



{eSeul}

Let's Be Healthy!

.


Ugh.

Why must my body respond to EVERYTHING that I eat, good and bad?!
I have decided to be more conscious of what I eat starting tomorrow. Well, I guess I'm always pretty aware of what I'm eating and how it will affect me, but it's time to get serious and get healthy.
Fried food only once a week, and red meat only twice at week at the most.
And drink lots of water!!!
This has a lot to do with my skin, too. One weekend, I spent it in Big Bear with my small group for a retreat and ate tons and tons of junk food. I came back home with (not exaggerating) about 10 new pimples!

Sigh...I guess it's a good thing. My body and skin just want me to live longer and healthier. Haha.

Even if you're not as sensitive to what you intake, let's all try to be healthy! Woohoo!



{eSeul}

.

When you hear the word "memories", how do you feel?

For me, I feel grateful. I'm grateful that I have something to cherish, and grateful again that I have the ability, the mental and psychological ability to remember.

But sometimes, there is an ungratefulness that emerges. An ungratefulness that is significantly comparable to how I initially feel. I'll smile in the warm and fuzziness of my memories, and then I'll find myself weeping. My heart feels like it's breaking, because I know that I will never have those moments again, because someone who was a part of them is no longer here for me to cherish with.

It's so interesting how loss not only affects your present and future, but also your past. Does that even make sense...? I don't know....

What do you do when you miss something and/or someone so much, but you can't see or talk to them in perhaps forever? What do you do when you try to recall them in your memories but all you feel is pain? The sensible thing to think would be to forget all in all. But what's funny is that forgetting isn't what comes to mind, and if it does, it's not something we choose to do.

If anything, forgetting is sadder than painful memories.

At least I'm able to feel you through my memories. If I didn't have any, I wouldn't be able to feel you at all. Now that, I don't want.

"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...."
-Lady Antebellum



{eSeul}

Sigh....

.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like today
if you were still here.
And then I wonder if I gave up too soon....

Where are you anyway?



{eSeul}

Desperation

.

I feel powerless.
And when I feel powerless, I become desperate.
And when I'm desperate, I can't help but cry out to God.
And isn't that what everyone does?
I guess this is just proof that God really is Almighty, and all powerful. He has the whole world in His hands, my life included.

He will provide, He will provide.




{eSeul}

.

Why do they need to hide? Why must they be afraid to reveal themselves?
Isn't it our job to love on them...to show them that it doesn't matter who they are?

I feel like we are guilty of reckoning what is right or wrong. When did we let "law" become our basis of accepting and not accepting?

I don't know...I probably sound like I'm talking jibberish, but just something to think about!



{eSeul}

.

Just thought I'd jot down some things that have been placed on my heart recently and I'm hoping to see the picture as a whole soon:

-confidence in my identity with God
-the promise I've received for my future...it's so vague to me but hopefully it'll be specified soon
-asking God to completely dwell in me
-business; building a business on a Christian foundation
-searching for my talent/gift
-Korea
-the importance of praying ALL THE TIME
-what it means to live out the gospel through love
-be fearless
-healing through being obedient

How has God been speaking to you recently?



{eSeul}

.

I sat there after the 1040 movie, asking God for a picture of what it looks like to be a revolutionary.
Not a revolutionary of religion.
Not a revolutionary of Christianity.
But one of Love.

Sharing the gospel and spreading the gospel are important. How is it not important to share the good news?
But what does it mean to live it out without screaming religion?
The story...it can be reached to people who don't know about it, who are oblivious to it. But how can we share this story to those who do know it, but refuse to hear it?
Those who have been scarred by the "love" that we know...how do we help them to understand?

I have always been impressed by people who fearlessly speak the Truth, even though it shouldn't be such a difficult thing.... But even more so, I'm more inspired by people who live out the Truth by getting to know someone's pain, accepting someone's dirt, be a friend...which are difficult things.

I feel like there is really only one way to do this effectively:
Spend time with God.
Open up your time, your heart, your ears to Him so that He may enter and dwell in you.
Once He makes your heart His home, everything else comes naturally.

It's a repeated message I hear. It has to be God telling me to spend more time with Him. He so desperately wants to be with me, because He knows what He wants to do with my life and I feel like it's gonna be crazy...but crazy good. I know this because things have been popping up here and there that are really relative to one another and to me it looks like they're all strokes to one painting. I'll talk more about this later, but...God is calling me to dwell in His presence.

And I must listen.



{eSeul}

wOw

.



Excuse me, I'm sorry but HOW YOU DEW DAT??
Wow...definitely gifted people. Way to represent. :)

p.s. boooo...it cuts off the video so you can't see the full picture.


{eSeul}

.

Stress, stress, stress.
I need to give myself a break. But do I even deserve a break?
Well, I guess it's not about whether or not I deserve it but how much I need it. Is it weird for me to think that it's selfish of me to need a break...? I mean, I feel like I'm drawing life out to be far more difficult than it already is.
Okay...I should stop before I get carried away.

Pray. I need to pray.




{eSeul}

Going out to Burrito Project was not an easy task; I went into it, already waiting for it to be over. It was a long morning of strange physical exhaustion and emotional weariness. I wanted to collapse and just sleep the day away or bury myself in someone's arms and just cry. But it was also a great morning of being reminded of the importance of rest and how simple it really is. We often complicate the idea of rest so much that it becomes overwhelming.

And for some reason, I found Burrito Project to be restful instead.

I am such a bad conversationalist. When I feel forced into a conversation with someone, there are many awkward silences and stuttered words. I also say things that I don't mean. Maybe that's the case with many people, but I strongly admire people have no trouble whatsoever striking up a conversation and keep it interesting.

Well, Burrito Project sort of placed me in that situation, where we were "encouraged" to talk to the people we were handing out lunches to. After uncomfortably pacing around with two plastic bags full of goodies, Lydia and I approached two men who were talking to each other. Their names were AJ Hightower and Ken. After a few minutes of typical conversation subjects like our hometowns, the weather, etc., we were interrupted by one of the Burrito Project leaders who was handing out beanies. AJ left, probably not because of the beanies but because we were boring. I don't blame him...we were pretty boring. Haha. Ken was pretty quiet, too. He wasn't a man of many words, and seemed very unfamiliar to it all. He's only been on the streets since August, and is very strong-willed in looking for work. Especially after AJ left, there were more awkward silences and "huh-huh-huh"s. But...it wasn't too uncomfortable. If anything, I felt very connected to him. He was lost, confused, and didn't know how he let himself come to this point. At the same time, he seemed to be the type of person who continued on in his trek without crumbling down even though he was troubled. I felt like I could sit with him for a while without saying much and he'd still feel cared for. It felt...restful.

Towards the end, Lydia asked if we could pray for him especially because he had pain in his legs from extensive walking. He had kindly refused at first, but in the end he let us. After we prayed for him, he seemed to be a lot more...uplifted. I think he realized that after that prayer we weren't there to be "religious" but to really care for him. He noticed that we had listened and paid attention to all that he had to share about his life. But it was all only because we could tell that he was a good man....

As we were leaving, I told Lydia, "Man, I'm going to be thinking of Ken all week."
It was not at all in a burdensome way, but because I really will be thinking of him and praying for him throughout the week.

And really...this is why these people go out every Sunday to serve the homeless; these brief interactions become cherished relationships. It's not just about serving or giving them something we have more of but it's about allowing them to become a part of our lives. It's allowing them to enter and take more than just our time and energy, but our love and our care.

That's true servanthood, don't you think?

I left Burrito Project feeling a lot less exhausted than I usually do from serving in other ways such as inside the church, for people who don't even need half as much as what these homeless people need. It doesn't seem right for me to feel so drained from serving people who already have more than they need....

The more I think about it, it's really the simplest things that keep you going.




{eSeul}

For dinner I decided to have some garlic bread with the bread we ate with the chicken noodle soup last night. But it didn't really fill me up, so I was thinking about eating some leftover 콩나물 국 (spicy bean sprout soup), but I didn't want to eat rice.

Then I thought that maybe I could eat something less heavy than rice like...ramyun, but it's so unhealthy, especially with all that "stuff" in the soup powder.

And then..I had a brilliant idea. I could eat cook the ramyun noodles in the 콩나물 국!

Dang...such deliciousness.

Now I am off to Big Bear for a mini small group getaway. Time to slow down....



{eSeul}

Face to Face

.

Today while I was making chicken noodle soup, I was listening to songs on my Pandora.
One of the songs mentioned the words "face to face" and I immediately thought,
'How cliché.'

But the more I thought about the phrase, it became quite the contrary....
I just imagined Him standing before my eyes, looking at me with a compassion that cannot be explained. I mean, just try to imagine that, meeting Him face to face....

It is something that I yearn for. That peace and comfort, in knowing that He will tell me that I have done well. He will tell me thanks for holding on. He will tell me that He is proud of my willingness to be broken, to dwell in the darkness and overcome it.

As much as I yearn for it, I know that I won't be able to have this encounter if I don't endure.

2nd day of Lent and I'm already desiring Him more.




{eSeul}

Beautiful Redemption

.


"I cry 'Father, Father forgive me.'
And You say...Child, I already have."
"Beautiful Redemption" by Joy Williams


It's days like today where I wish that He can rescue me. Let me experience eternal peace. Let me experience eternal joy, one that I cannot fathom.

So I ask Him to come and rescue me.

But I know...that I have yet to experience so much. He has so much still in store for me.
I just gotta soldier on. This is just another storm.

And He tells me...that He already has.

God just works in the funniest ways you know?

I've been thinking of reasons left and right, on why I've been such an angry person the past several months. And only recently have I realized that I really don't know why I'm so angry.
And then I was reading a book that was written by a man who had lost the most important women in his life, all in one day. He mentioned how sometimes anger is one way that we choose not to deal with our pain. We focus on all that has changed since a loss, and so we unknowingly deal with those unwanted changes instead of the loss itself. That explains a lot, because a lot of that anger would stir when I am at home, where I am reminded most of these changes.

So I want to say...that maybe it's something deeper. That anger that surfaces inside you or someone near to you, probably comes from somewhere a lot deeper than just "you". Take a closer look at your heart and all that affects/affected who you are today.

It's painful...but nobody said it was easy. At the same time, it'll help us be...a little less hard on ourselves. :)



{eSeul}

What if...

I had taken ballet lessons as a child?

I wonder how different life would be....



{eSeul}

I have decided....

...that my future cafe/restaurant will be called "...".

One day, a co-worker began to call me "..." because my name sounds like '...'.

And, I always talk about how the sky is God's "..."....

How appropriate. :)

Perhaps I should copyright this before it gets taken.... But at least for now, you, my readers, are my witnesses. Hehe.

Thanks to Grace's advice, it is now a secret. You can ask me personally and if I trust you enough, I will tell you. Hehe.



{eSeul}

Peace Within the Storm

.

There is a girl sitting under a tree, resting. Her arms are around her legs, and she’s looking far off into the distance, probably the sky.
But it’s raining. There is wind and the skies are gray, but she seems to be oblivious to it all.
I think she’s crying.
It looks like an unhappy picture, but there is something beautiful about it.
It’s beautiful…because there is a sense of peace.
She appears to be at peace.

.

I drew this picture during small group in hopes to express who I am when I’m not around people.
When I’m with people, it’s always a sunshine-y day.
And it’s not a façade. It used to be a façade. But I truly do feel uplifted when I’m surrounded by my community.
Sure there are things that they have yet to learn about me, and there are things that I choose not to share, but what can I do…I’m just happy when I’m with them.
But when I’m alone…I am the girl under that tree. I am in a storm, and I’m crying. But in this season of my life, there is an undeniable peace that I don’t want to let go of, that I can’t let go of.
Ever since the new year began, God has been revealing to me day by day what is in store for me this year. No, nothing is crystal clear, but that joy that I’ve been craving feels so close….

Seems like such an oxymoron…peace within the storm. But that’s only possible because God is here. He is next to me. He knows what I need.

I can already feel Him molding me. Since my last entry, walking into my home has become exponentially bearable. And I know that my mom feels it, too. She’s noticing the light ever so slowly but surely forming from that candle.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
–Philippians 4:7

It's like...when you're running from the cafe to your car while it's raining cats and dogs. It's not the most pleasant feeling, getting your clothes and shoes wet, but you find yourself smiling the entire way.

Find your peace within the storm.



{eSeul}

es.cap.e

Sigh....

Oh how I wish I was in Paris...or Korea...or anywhere but here.

Day after day, home is a reminder of all that is unfamiliar. Different walls, different ambience, different TV, different people...including myself.
Despite how much I want God to change all of those things, I've been asking God to transform my heart more than anything else.

Pastor Dave shared on Sunday something that confirmed to me what I really need to do. He said that many times we ask God to change people so that they measure up to our expectations, that one day they will learn what they're doing wrong. But, as we wait patiently and just lift everything up to Him, He will transform the relationships rather than change the people.

My patience had been dying out. And what I resorted to is having thoughts of escaping from all this mess. But I just need to continue to wait on Him, and see why He's kept me here.

I want to be a light at home; I want to be transformed from a useless melted candle in a dark room into something molded in His image, by His hands....

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father,
from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,
that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you
to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being,
so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you,
being rooted and grounded in love,
may have strength to comprehend with all the saints
what is the breadth and length and height and depth,
and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge,
that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."
-Ephesians 3:14-19

As much as I want to dwell in His presence, I need Him to dwell in me.
There is a reason for everything....


{eSeul}

It's 2010...

Every day I look at the sky, and I see beauty. Some days it's absolutely clear, and some days it's completely cloudy. Some days it's swept with feathered clouds, and some days I see cotton candy. Whether bright or gloomy...I always sense God's love for me. The sky is endless...endlessly beautiful. It is where I wish to dwell, and it is what gives me peace in my heart.

한마디로, 하늘을 보면 가슴이 뻥 뚤린다.

And so I chase after the clouds. I don't wish to chase them away, because without the clouds it is only a blank canvas. At the same time, when completely blue, I am given the privilege to paint on His canvas and dream even more. I want to see it up close, so I hope to record all that reveals His eminent fingerprints, that...flutters my heart, that brings tears to my eyes as I journey there.

I truly have a great feeling about this new year. And this is where it all begins.




{eSeul}