I think this is it.....

This past weekend was so draining.
It was good, real good.
But so bad at the same time.

It began with an awesome, late night 삼겹살 (samgyubsal: grilled pork belly) dinner with a couple of my most favorite people on a rainy night in Ilsan. It continued on to a greatly missed sleepover at my apartment with nail polish and a not-so-favored Korean drama marathon. The Korean drama was well worth it, however, because my distinguished guest (Nants) is an absolute (obsessive) fan of the particular drama that was on. It was good to see her happy.
The following day included the most delicious 칼국수 (kalguksoo: handcut noodles) lunch and an extremely brief and rainy shopping excursion in my neighborhood. We got some dessert at the cutest Cafe Bene (the upgraded version of Starbucks in Korea) in my area and walked Jamie (my other guest) to the bus stop.
And then came the phone call with my mother.
No, it is not something that ruined my day.
It was not a (-__-) moment.
It just revealed to me the truth of why I haven't been able to really enjoy my time here. Not even an ounce, to be honest.
As it was expected, my mother is lonely.... It's something I worried about ever since I graduated college, but she always said she'll be okay because she "now has God".
But that's what mothers always say.
Every time I talk to her I wonder if it was the right decision for me to move here.
And then I feel like...what can I do? What more can I do? I need to do something, something to fix all her problems. Money doesn't seem to be enough....
Then, Sunday came.
From the moment I stepped into service, the tears came.
A breakthrough in my family, the desire to erase all shame, guilt, and burden.
The lies of my powerlessness, responsibilities, inadequacies.
And then, the truth of the Spirit and the flesh.
I've been living in the flesh for too long. I've always craved the Spiritual, but was always bound to the flesh.
Freedom?
It's not always about being imprisoned to laws or sins....
It's also about being imprisoned to all that you expect of yourself.
If you know me, you'd know how much I believe that the time is coming, the time for me to break out of my chains.

I think it begins here.




{eSeul}