Lost

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I'm sure everyone's seen one.... A lost child pacing around frantically searching for his/her Mom, Dad, Grandma....

I don't ever remember getting lost. I was always a good child, sticking to my parents and grandparents with my sister's hand in mine. But when I see a lost child at Disneyland or a grocery store, the panic I feel within me is unspeakable. I can't imagine how a small child could bear the fear.

And 'lo and behold, at the "mature" age of 22, I am that lost child.
Every day I find myself searching. I know that He hasn't abandoned me. I'm sure my absence is heart wrenching for Him. But I'm not absent because I chose to be. I thought I was with Him all along. But He's nowhere to be seen. I'm searching, and searching, and crying. And I don't know where I'm supposed to go to find Him. I don't know how I lost Him in the first place.

All I can do is cry out, hoping that He'd hear me and come.

Usually, the child finds his/her guardian. Mom is normally just a few feet ahead, pushing a cart or a stroller, waving her hand behind her telling the child to keep up.

Perhaps He's right there, right ahead of me. But I'm just panicking. I guess I just really...really really want to see His hand, waving and open for mine to be enveloped in it. I just can't see. My tears are blinding me. My burden is blinding me.

I guess all I can do is keep searching and crying out. He'll hear me and fetch me.
I'm sure He will.





{eSeul}

Le Sigh

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Yesterday I made a trip to Rose Hills and the timing couldn't have been better.

It was hot all day, clear skies with just a couple clouds but on the way there more clouds had appeared and the sun was shining through them, creating one of the most beautiful silver linings I've ever seen. And I wept.

As I neared the Rose Hills exit, a rainbow had appeared. It shined ever so brightly against the gray skies on the opposite side of town. And I continued to weep.

I drove over the hill towards the end of the memorial. I parked and walked up to him. I sat by him and wept hysterically. I'm sure if someone was nearby they would've thought that I was hanging over the edge of my life.

I hadn't missed him that much in a while. I hadn't cried that much in a while.

Once I was able to find my composure, I sat and looked at the full rainbow that was perfectly centered in my view. I looked behind me to see if anyone was around and saw that the sky was bright blue with golden clouds floating above the hill. And I smiled. It had to be God!

I sat there talking to my father and about how much I miss him and to my Father about how much I need Him.

I've been thinking about how much I've always gone with my "feeling". Rarely, if ever, have I felt like I did something because I knew God wanted me to, thus making me wonder if God really is...real.

But yesterday...the sky...and how beautifully everything was painted out, was God telling me that He indeed is real. Could you really say that nature made the clouds and sunlight and rainbow merry so well together to please our eyes?

Only God could make such things come together and become purposeful. Not just for the world to work scientifically but also so that we can appreciate the beauty of it all.

I can't help that all of this sounds cheesy. But I'm just trying to be real.

I have set my bow in the cloud,
and it shall be a sign of the covenant
between me and the earth.
When I bring clouds over the earth
and the bow is seen in the clouds,
I will remember my covenant that is between me and you
and every living creature of all flesh.
- Genesis 9:13-15




{eSeul}

Forgetful Me

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I recently put in a request for a week off of work so that I can just take it easy and really focus on life. It started today and I'm supposed to be off until next Wednesday. But yesterday at work there was a posting about a girl at a different store needing someone to cover shifts for her. I saw that I was free on Monday and to do her a favor, I called her to let her know that I can cover her Monday shift. I realized later that I offered to work on a day that I requested off.

Sometimes I can be pretty stupid.




{eSeul}

2 MONTHS

Wow...I have neglected my blog for 2 whole months.

I'm terrible.

So many fleeting feelings have happened since my last post. But I feel like I haven't really gone anywhere. I'm still in the same place. But different.

I'm confusing you aren't I?

Well...I'm going to have to explain more later. It's too much information to jot down at this hour. This is just my attempt to feel less guilty about not writing in my blog as often as I should.

Goodnight!




{eSeul}

FEAR

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I am fearful of so many things.
I'm fearful of getting a new piercing, even though I really want one.
I'm fearful of blood.
I'm fearful of insects.
I'm fearful of massages.
I'm fearful of tears.
I'm fearful of responsibility.
I'm fearful of pain.
I'm fearful of the present, past, and the future.
I'm fearful of my bank account.
I'm fearful of judgment.
I'm fearful of loss.
I'm fearful of going to Korea.
I'm fearful of not going to Korea.
I'm fearful of facing reality.
I'm fearful of misunderstanding reality.

But I am forced to face these fears.
Each and every one of them, as it has been for the past year or so.

What's comforting though is that He stands by me as I do so, and tells me that He is pleased, that there is something waiting for me. He has something prepared for me.

Where will You take me next?
Did I mention that I'm also fearful of the unknown?

Meh. Thus is life.




{eSeul}

보이나요?
나무에 춤추듯 걸려있는 잎사이로 퍼지는 햇빛.
머릿속에 그려진 사랑의 이야기.
하늘에 붓질 된 화가의 행복.
찢어진 마음속에 세겨진 나의 존제감...
들리나요?
하나, 둘, 셋을 따르는 멜로디.
물과 물의 만남과 치열.
사랑과 삶을 찾아 헤매는 날갯질.
당신 곁에서 소리없이 슬피우는 나...
향은 나나요?
부엌에서 힘없이, 열심히 움직이는 엄마의 손.
까페에서 사람들의 끝없는 대화.
밤바다에서 나누는 친구들과 기타의 시간.
뜯어진 잔디에서 당신옆에 앉아있는 나...
느껴봐요...
머릿결 사이로 조심스레 움직이며 당신을 감싸안는 나의 바람.
걱정, 비웃음, 어두움속의 목소리로 체워지는 나의 자리.
당신이 버린 심장을 조심스레 들고있는 나의 손...
나의 아픔...
나의 사랑...
나의 모든 것.
잊지말아요.



{eSeul}

Let's Be Healthy!

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Ugh.

Why must my body respond to EVERYTHING that I eat, good and bad?!
I have decided to be more conscious of what I eat starting tomorrow. Well, I guess I'm always pretty aware of what I'm eating and how it will affect me, but it's time to get serious and get healthy.
Fried food only once a week, and red meat only twice at week at the most.
And drink lots of water!!!
This has a lot to do with my skin, too. One weekend, I spent it in Big Bear with my small group for a retreat and ate tons and tons of junk food. I came back home with (not exaggerating) about 10 new pimples!

Sigh...I guess it's a good thing. My body and skin just want me to live longer and healthier. Haha.

Even if you're not as sensitive to what you intake, let's all try to be healthy! Woohoo!



{eSeul}