.

She puts on a pair of gray slacks.
Today a black cami will do.
A black, pin-stripe blouse snuggles her chest as she buttons it down.
Her feet slip into a pair of black heels.
And she's out the door with her purse in her hand.

Papers.
Phones ringing.
Keyboards singing in harmony.
Patience.
Keep your voice chirpy.

The co-workers love her as they chit-chat over lunch.

The next four hours fly by.
She hurries home to greet her with a smile.
A big hug and then a change of clothes.
They smell like mild sweat and food in the oven.
Off to another shift.

She walks through the door with adrenaline rushing through her veins as she clocks in.
Or is it dread?
The next five hours are non-stop on-the-feet, talking-over-other-voices, and hot plates in her hands.
At least there's ample change in her pocket.

Weeks go by and then....
Her bank account has been fed.

She smiles.
The shoes at the front door only belong to her and her.
The once empty room left open for another roommate is hers.
The food in the refrigerator? All made by her and bought by her.
No worries in bringing people over. They're her friends.
Old and new.
No more dreadful envelops filled with debt.
Just easy payments.
Easy peasy.
She's happy.
And so is she.
We can live like this.
We really can.



And that...is my fantasy at the moment.




{eSeul}

The devil knows what has been planned for me.
So he breaks me down.
He takes my thoughts into unlit places and into the miry clay.
My feet get stuck.
So I fall on my knees.
He laughs and watches as I'm helpless, as I weep.
He knows I'm getting nowhere and losing more and more hope.
Especially in knowing that God, the One he fears most, is gradually blurring from my head.
From my heart.
From my life.

But He only allows this to happen because He loves me.
He believes in me even thought I don't.
He has faith in me even though I don't.
Job 1:11-12.
He's willing to have His heart broken while I loathe...the breaking of my heart.
I don't have evidence of the bright future ahead. But I believe.
He has favor in me....
So I believe.
I believe in His promises.

Instead of letting him tie me down...
I'm going to try and break free.
Let this be a time that I find freedom and not dwell in my paralysis.

God please....




{eSeul}

WHEN WILL THIS ALL BE OVER

....


I just want to smile...and laugh without anything holding me back.

I don't understand...

.

I wish we can all just move on.
People say money doesn't bring happiness.
For me...in a sense...it does.

It will free me.
I think it will.




{eSeul}

Memories

.

Today I missed home. A lot.

But the unfortunate thing is...
I am at home.


p.s. I'm freaking hungry. Where's mah food at?!
p.p.s. I apologize for the drastic mood change. But I really am hungry.




{eSeul}

I'm Selfish

.
I'm selfish for wanting to do so many things, things that I think will make me happy.
Mostly for this thing called money.
But more than anything, I am selfish for wanting to be my own savior.
The more I've been trying and hoping to do that, the further I've been getting "there".
I'm learning to leave room for GOD to be my Savior. And slowly but surely, I'm getting somewhere.




{eSeul}

Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn

Please don't relate what I say with the song above...haha.

Do you ever get urges to...pack a small suitcase and live in a hotel for a few days? Just yourself?

I get this all the time...especially when I pass by a nice hotel.
I don't know...I just love staying at hotels, but definitely not for a long period of time. I don't know what it is. The big beds? Interesting bathrooms? Just...living in a room by yourself that isn't yours? I guess it's almost like...the feeling of being an actress, role-playing a life that you never thought you could live. There's diversity, a foreignness to each experience.

Not only that, but I truly enjoy my alone time. Especially when I have it in a place that I am not completely familiar with.

I have strange cravings. Some of them, such as this, that cannot be fulfilled.

But life is good! It is....

Hope you're enjoying this strange climate change...I actually couldn't stand the heat wave. I'm glad that the cool breeze came back to join us.



{eSeul}