Sweat and Breath

Wow,
how much blogspot has changed during my period of neglection.

Today, I walked out of our elevator at work at 10:28pm and immediately my eyebrows decided that they wanted to meet. I frowned at the humidity that had seeped through the glass doors. The word "no" repeated through my brain as I headed towards the exit.

My eyebrows relaxed, as did my eyelids. Sadness flooded into my soul as I forcefully accepted the fact that summer in Korea...had arrived.

I continued my walk home, sweat collecting in my heels and crevices in my body that I shall not name as I neared home.

I arrived home and let my body breathe. After contemplating whether or not to fulfill my craving for fried chicken, I gave in to my begging stomach.

I waited for the knock on the door while watching a TV show called "The Alien Virus". No, it's not some freak-of-nature sci-fi drama. Well, I guess that's half untrue. There is some "freak-of-nature" involved. The guests of this program are very bizarre people, so bizarre that they can be mistaken as aliens. One woman literally eats everything with chocolate syrup; one man does the same but with ketchup; one woman eats ONLY raw food, that being meat.

This week's guest was...sort of out of the ordinary compared to past guests. Her bizarre habit is spending everything in her bank account; she has no savings, no investments, etc. This can be seen as foolish because if she loses her job tomorrow or becomes too ill and can no longer work, she's screwed. But, what she's doing is simply "living in the day". Carpe diem. Barf. Cliche.

Cliche, but commendable.

I feel like that's what Korea has been for me. Live in the day. No matter how much I work, no matter how much I make, I have close to nothing in my savings. And unlike this "alien", I'm not spending all that much on myself either, but to a point where I'm satisfied, where I'm grateful.

She works hard. And plays hard. And lives today.

Today, I sweated. And when I let my body breathe, it was liberating.





{eSeul}

Strange Things

Last night I had another strange dream. My dreams, when I do remember them, are always vivid and particularly...peculiar.
This one, I think, was almost prophetic. But probably not.

I have been stressing heavily about my church situation and 'lo and behold, I was at a church that I've been wanting to visit for the longest time (not saying that it's completely prophetic). It was nighttime and I was mingling outside and ran into some familiar faces. All of a sudden, there was a loud 'bang!' and people started falling from the sky on parachutes. Instantly I thought, 'Oh God, war has begun,' because I've been having several dreams about war breaking out ever since Kim Jong Il left the Earth. Where he is now, I don't know if I want to know. Anyway, so I ducked and looked for a hiding place. But, it turned out, it was just an unnecessarily extravagant entrance of singers who were to have a concert that evening. That was their opening act. One of my favorites, Junsu from JYJ was performing, and he actually came up to me and asked me to dance. I remember feeling really flattered but extremely disappointed. He was almost as tall as I was and had gained a little weight. But, I obliged (hehe).

Well, that's really all there was to it. I just thought I'd record how interesting it was to see the opening of the concert be of the featured artists falling from the sky. At a church.

Some recent news:
Winter is leaving. It felt long, but short at the same time. I'm experiencing the creeping debut of spring and I already love it. I have a good feeling about this season.....




{eSeul}

This is Ridik

Blogging has become foreign to me.
I blame work.

I want to break free!!! I want to breathe.... LOL.
Working here has been reminding me of my business mind. And business, I'm learning more and more, is very much connected to my faith. I receive revelations and epiphanies through the problems I encounter at work. So I believe more and more that I am here, in the mess that is called "hakwon", for a reason.

I'm just gonna take it day by day, and open up the day for Him to take control.

P.S. I encountered my first dark circles EVER last week. That is NOT GOOD.



{eSeul}

I have a dilemma...

I'm currently in the works of planning a day out and a possible "pajama party" (what Koreans refer to as a sleepover) outside of the hakwon with some of my students.
From my experience at the hakwon, I realized that I don't really have the chance to get to know my students at a deeper level. Granted, teachers don't have the responsibility to transform a student's life and it's definitely not realistic to do that for all of their students.
I have 76.
Well now 74, and slowly but surely decreasing as we speak...since Korean moms love to "taste-test" hakwons....
Anyway, my dilemma is....is it okay for me to do this??
The idea just came about very naturally. Some of my students, especially the girls, love to chit-chat and tell me stories, but frankly, we don't have time to do that. Class time isn't even enough for the work we need to cover and if we do have time left, we can't just sit there and talk. The mom's will go crazy if they see the students (through the video recordings...our classes are recorded) with their books unopened, they'll complain f'sho.
And more importantly, I really want to make myself available to these kids, especially the 6th graders. They're at a crossroads where they're entering a rough six years of intense studying and yet they're not preparing themselves at all. It very much resembles senioritis.......
Plus, one of the mother's had suggested to me that she'd love to see some kind of mentor ship for her daughter, which I expressed that I would love that for myself as well.
So really, this could go both ways: either become an opportunity that opens doors for many more teacher-student relationships or...drama. Drama among the teachers, from the possible misunderstanding that I'm setting a level that they might feel forced to meet and that I'm trying to win the students' hearts, and even drama among the students that I'm being exclusive/partial.
I definitely can't do this with all of my students...there's just some that I'd love to invest in and can see us getting along very well.
Well, we'll see how it goes. The water's already been spilled. I told the five students to ask their parents about how they feel about this proposal. :)
I'm just gonna be optimistic, and believe that this is the beginning of something good.







{eSeul}

I think this is it.....

This past weekend was so draining.
It was good, real good.
But so bad at the same time.

It began with an awesome, late night 삼겹살 (samgyubsal: grilled pork belly) dinner with a couple of my most favorite people on a rainy night in Ilsan. It continued on to a greatly missed sleepover at my apartment with nail polish and a not-so-favored Korean drama marathon. The Korean drama was well worth it, however, because my distinguished guest (Nants) is an absolute (obsessive) fan of the particular drama that was on. It was good to see her happy.
The following day included the most delicious 칼국수 (kalguksoo: handcut noodles) lunch and an extremely brief and rainy shopping excursion in my neighborhood. We got some dessert at the cutest Cafe Bene (the upgraded version of Starbucks in Korea) in my area and walked Jamie (my other guest) to the bus stop.
And then came the phone call with my mother.
No, it is not something that ruined my day.
It was not a (-__-) moment.
It just revealed to me the truth of why I haven't been able to really enjoy my time here. Not even an ounce, to be honest.
As it was expected, my mother is lonely.... It's something I worried about ever since I graduated college, but she always said she'll be okay because she "now has God".
But that's what mothers always say.
Every time I talk to her I wonder if it was the right decision for me to move here.
And then I feel like...what can I do? What more can I do? I need to do something, something to fix all her problems. Money doesn't seem to be enough....
Then, Sunday came.
From the moment I stepped into service, the tears came.
A breakthrough in my family, the desire to erase all shame, guilt, and burden.
The lies of my powerlessness, responsibilities, inadequacies.
And then, the truth of the Spirit and the flesh.
I've been living in the flesh for too long. I've always craved the Spiritual, but was always bound to the flesh.
Freedom?
It's not always about being imprisoned to laws or sins....
It's also about being imprisoned to all that you expect of yourself.
If you know me, you'd know how much I believe that the time is coming, the time for me to break out of my chains.

I think it begins here.




{eSeul}

아빠

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*WARNING: Heavy thoughts ahead....*


At work I'm usually caught up preparing things before classes start but today I had an unusual amount of free time, which was perfect because I got go make some phonecalls to my relatives before heading down to see them tomorrow. Which reminds me..I should be in bed for the trip ahead...anyways.

I finally got to talk to my 큰엄마 (keun-umma, oldest aunt on my dad's side, so my dad's oldest brother's wife) and the things she said brought up a lot of feelings that I wanted to forget.

You know when people pass...most of the time we want to remember the good memories and cherish who that person was? Well for me...it's hard for me to smile and reminisce about the good times because even those times make me sad. The fact that I can't have them anymore, and I mostly think about what could've been.

My aunt said my dad was unlucky. My sister and I are finally grown up and ready to lift my parents' burdens but he left just before life for him would get better. What she basically said was that he raised us well but he's so unlucky to not be able to receive the fruits of his labor. Of course she didn't mean that in a bad way, and I totally agree.... My heart aches whenever I think about him and all that he never got to have. Being at Korea makes it harder because he always wanted to come here. But never, not once since he left Korea 20 years ago did he allow himself to come back, even for a visit.... Everything I eat, everything I see I want to share with him but I can't.

The other night I had a dream with him in it. It was strange. We were back at our old apartment and were holding serious meetings, meetings to prepare and plan for some kind of battle. Yes, a war-like battle. The climax of the dream was me "recruiting" several young guys from discreet, factory-like buildings down the street. I brought them to our apartment very eagerly and fed them well while my dad explained our plan. I don't remember much about the conversations, but I remember the seriousness, the intensity yet the coziness of that moment. And even though I only mostly saw the back and side views of my dad, I felt so secure.

And today it hit me.... I can only see him in my dreams, even those being very few. It's these times when I ask questions that I know will always remain unanswered but I keep asking them.
Why did he have to go?
Why at this time when things were starting to turn up?
Why did he go without ever experiencing pure freedom and joy?

I feel even further away from joy. I still wish this was all just a bad dream....




{eSeul}

Immeasurable

.

Two nights ago I laid in "my" bed (it doesn't feel like my bed quite yet if you get my drift) and it came out of nowhere.

I'm here for AN ENTIRE YEAR.
Or longer....

Until now I felt like a year was going to be too short, and go too fast. But...that night I realized it's actually a pretty long period of time if you think about how much can happen in a year. How much will my mom change? How much will I change? Will there be any progress in our lives? I've been underestimating how precious time is, only thinking of filling up my agenda.

I need to learn to value it and soak everything in instead of moving at the pace of time. I know that it goes by quickly...but I need to slow it down. And the only way to do that, is by slowing down myself.

Everything I want to do will happen in due time. There's no reason for me to rush things or think that a year is too short when it's actually a long time....

Well, that's just another one of my random rambles. I'm actually 90% decided on getting an iPhone and not purchase a camera, so you can look forward to some frequent picture uploads. They won't be super good, but they'll do. :)

P.S. Do you like my new layout?? I like it...it's clean...and beige.... You're supposed to see the pillow/bed better but fail.... Okay that's all!




{eSeul}